


when we meet in the northern sky

by colourmeblue



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Fix-It, Lexa Lives, You're Welcome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-26 15:12:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6244714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourmeblue/pseuds/colourmeblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not returning to Arkadia means Clarke’s a traitor to her own people, and her recent actions will brand her a traitor to the people of Polis. She doesn’t belong anywhere anymore, except right here with Lexa.</p><p>(or, a 3x07 fix-it fic where Lexa lives, and it changes everything)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon is dead to me. Don’t expect this fic to follow it. Disregard anything that happens past the exact moment Titus starts shooting at Clarke. Ignore medical inaccuracies because we love fiction. Fiction is fun. Let me live.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Clarke!”

Clarke hears the panic in Lexa’s voice before she sees her face. Lexa must have heard the gunshots, Clarke thinks. There’s no way half the building hasn’t heard the gunshots. The bullets leave Titus’ gun in rapid succession, so she barely has a second to concentrate on anything else. She’s running, and she’s about to escape out the door. To Lexa.

Yet, she bumps into something solid, and it’s then she realises that she has quite literally run into Lexa. But they’re still in the doorway, Titus is still firing, and Lexa isn’t moving. Before Clarke knows it, Lexa has her by the shoulders and is pulling her around so that Clarke’s standing behind her. Lexa’s back is now to her, and her arms are holding her back.

Clarke freezes. Lexa’s shielding her, but before she can process anything, the firing stops completely. Lexa looks at Titus, whose eyes are filled with horror. Lexa turns; black blood is seeping through a wound on her upper abdomen and Clarke’s eyes widen.

“No, no, _no_.” Clarke says firmly, as if her scolding Lexa will immediately make the wound disappear. Their eyes meet, and Lexa gives her a look that almost seems like astonishment. She’s not invincible, she never was, but Clarke wanted to believe it. She wanted to believe it so badly that now she feels like she’s going to be sick. Without warning, Lexa collapses into Clarke’s arms, and for a brief moment, time stands still.

\------

Clarke’s hands are trembling violently as Titus places Lexa down on the bed.

Her mind goes completely blank for a few seconds. Any and all medical training she has received in the past completely leaves her head. She looks helplessly down at Lexa, who is looking helplessly back up at her in return. Lexa’s eyes are watery with tears, like they had been only hours ago when Clarke had kissed her, and Clarke can no longer breathe.

Just thirty minutes ago, everything had been perfect. Lexa had been lying on top of her, their legs tangled beneath the furs of her bed. Her lips peppered gentle kisses against Clarke’s neck, and Clarke’s eyes were closed in bliss. Even if she was supposed to be leaving, even if she was never going to see Lexa again, nothing could ever top what she had been feeling in that moment.

Lexa was sleepy, and Clarke could tell, because she could barely feel her kisses. Her lips ghosted against her skin, but they still left a trail of warmth behind that filled Clarke’s entire body. The brunette had let out a deep sigh and nuzzled in closer to Clarke. “I’ll wait for you,” she had mumbled quietly, her nose pressed against Clarke’s pulse point.

Clarke had only smiled. Everything seemed perfect. Too perfect. “You could be waiting forever. I wouldn’t put you through that.”

“It would be worth it. You’re worth it,” Lexa had murmured, sighing lightly. At that point, it was almost time for Clarke to leave, but leaving Lexa didn’t seem physically possible.

Clarke had decided she was obsessed with Lexa’s tattoos, so her fingers ran lazily along Lexa’s spine. She already had the intricate back tattoo committed to memory. Seven circles, and her fingers punctuated each one as they travelled down her back. She was almost overwhelmed by Lexa's body. Every curve, every bump, and even a few fading scars. A part of her wanted to hear every single story behind each scar. They could lie in bed for hours, and Clarke could point to each one, and Lexa would explain to her what happened.

Now, Clarke may never get to hear any stories from Lexa.

Clarke’s mind is still fuzzy as she snaps back to reality. Titus is at Lexa’s side in an instant, and they’re having an exchange that Clarke can’t understand. She’s surprised that she can hear anything past the loud throbbing in her ears. The adrenaline is kicking in, and she knows she’s running out of time. She hears her name mentioned amongst the Trigedasleng, and that’s when she knows that Lexa is giving up. Already.

Clarke shakes her head quickly. She turns towards the table beside her bed, grabbing as many pieces of cloth as she can. She launches herself forward and places both hands over Lexa’s wound, pressing down. It wouldn’t stop the internal damage, but it could stop the blood from escaping her body.

“It’s okay, Clarke,” Lexa whispers and Clarke’s eyes find hers. Lexa gives her best reassuring nod. “Death is not the end.”

“ _Stop saying that_ ,” Clarke mutters, pressing down harder. The black blood is soaking through the cloth and seeping through her fingers, but she knows she can contain it. She _has_ to contain it.

“Clarke,” she whispers again, and Clarke can’t help but look at her. Lexa has her undivided attention. “The next Commander will look after you. You have to let me go. This is not the end.”

“I don’t _want_ the next Commander. I want _you_.”

Clarke swears she sees even more tears pool in Lexa’s eyes. Clarke realises that nobody has ever fought for Lexa like this before. Nobody else would fight this hard to save her.

“And if you think I’m going to just let you go without a fight, then you don’t know me very well,” she mutters, and it’s then that she realises that Titus isn’t helping whatsoever. He’s still at Lexa’s side, presumably performing some sort of ritual that takes place when the Commander dies. Clarke doesn’t understand what he’s doing, and at the moment, she doesn’t care.

Clarke attempts to get his attention. “Don’t you have any coagulant in there? _Something_?!”

“It would be a waste of resources, Clarke,” Titus’ voice is calm, and it was almost as if he didn’t care at all. Clarke thinks there’s no way he doesn’t want to save her. “She’s dying. There’s no way around it.”

“Like hell there is! How much do you know about gunshot wounds?! You’ve proven today that you can’t even use a damn gun,” Clarke continues to yell, her voice at at even higher volume. She grits her teeth. “Do you really want to be responsible for this? _You shot her_ , Titus. I need bandages and coagulant and your best healers right now, or I swear to God—”

“The ritual must be done, Clarke!” Titus insists. “Her spirit is to be passed on. That is what she requested of me and that is what I must do. She does not wish to be fought for.”

“Luckily, I don’t take orders from either of you,” Clarke spits, defiance in her eyes as she turns back to Lexa. The brunette’s eyes are fluttering and her lips are parted as if she’s about to speak.

“Titus is right, Clarke.” Lexa tries to hold her gaze, but struggles. “But… you were right too,” she whispers, but Clarke can barely hear her. “Life _is_ about more than just surviving.”

Clarke gives in and lets out a sob. She wants to kiss her, she wants to touch her like she had been only minutes before. She already misses the warmth of her skin and the fondness of her gaze. She wants nothing more than to feel her again, but both of her hands are currently occupied by her bleeding abdomen. She lets the tears fall freely, not at all caring about Titus and Murphy still in the room. “I want you and I to have that chance. To do more than just survive. We never even had a chance.”

“Me too…” Lexa rasps, “…but you have to let me go, Clarke. You’ll be okay…” She opens her mouth to continue her sentence, but the words don’t come out. Instead, Lexa’s eyes flutter slightly before closing completely.

“No,” Clarke whispers, shaking her head. “No, no, no, _no_. Lexa, no. You stay with me. Don’t do this to me,” she mumbles, letting more tears roll down her cheeks. “You can’t do this to me, Lexa. _Please_. You can’t just save me and then _die_.”

Clarke barely acknowledges the few sets of footsteps she hears enter the room, but she turns when she recognises Octavia’s voice.

“We were about to leave for Arkadia when we heard the gunshots,” Octavia pants, her eyes wide with horror. “What the hell happened?”

Clarke turns to discover that Octavia isn’t alone. Indra is with her, along with two older women who look to be healers. Relief briefly floods through Clarke’s body as the women rush to Lexa’s side. She’s glad that at least one person in the tower is intelligent and quick-thinking. One of the healers places her fingers to Lexa’s pulse point before nodding towards the other one. Clarke’s heart drops for a moment, before she realises that _doesn’t_ mean Lexa’s dead at all. She’s just unconscious. _God_.

The healers then move at lightning speed, grabbing various vials and instruments from the bags they’re carrying. Clarke’s never seen anything like it in her life, and she knows she’d be impressed if she wasn’t so terrified.

Titus stands beside Lexa’s head, his own hanging low. “She won’t make it. We have to do the ritual.”

“I don’t take orders from killers,” Clarke says darkly, glaring at the man in front of her. If he had just trusted Lexa, none of this would be happening. If he didn’t always try to take matters into his own hands, this wouldn’t be happening. She turns back towards the healers. “Keep trying. You have to keep trying. That’s an order from Wanheda.”

“She will _die_ , Clarke, you need to accept—”

“I don’t accept anything except that you _shot_ Lexa while you were trying to shoot _me_! She protected me and this is what you do?!” Clarke yells even louder, and she’s sure people are going to start to hear the commotion soon. She scoffs, shaking her head at him. She doesn’t want to look at him, especially if Lexa doesn’t make it.

“I won’t leave without the Commander’s spirit.”

“And how the hell do you get that exactly? She’s not dead.”

Titus kneels beside Lexa’s head. Clarke finally removes her hands from Lexa’s wound and they’re quickly replaced by coagulant and clean cloth. She lets the healers do their work as she watches Titus tilt Lexa’s head to the side, exposing the back of her neck. Titus lifts the small blade in his hands and makes a small incision in the back of Lexa’s neck.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Octavia yells, rushing over towards Titus. “People can _survive_ gunshot wounds, you moron. You’re killing her!”

Titus ignores her, focusing entirely on his task. Clarke watches in horror as he pulls something out of the back of Lexa’s neck. She can’t quite get a good look at it, but it makes her want to be sick. Her stomach churns at the thought of Lexa’s body being violated.

“What… what is that?”

“It’s an AI,” Murphy speaks for the first time. He takes a step towards the bed, looking at the object with grave eyes. Clarke wonders what he knows. It’s far too foreign for her to understand.

“Wrong. It’s the Commander’s spirit,” Titus says slowly, safely packing the ‘spirit’ away. He straightens up, taking one last look at Lexa’s almost-lifeless body before turning to Clarke. “I don’t have the heart to stop you from trying, Clarke, but once she is gone, please tell me. She is not to leave this room. We need to make arrangements for the body.”

Clarke narrows her eyes, suddenly feeling anger bubble up inside her. “What the hell is _wrong_ with you? Lexa was your _student_ , you looked after her as a child. How can you just not care?!”

“I am here to serve the Commander, and by extension, the Commander’s people. Not one individual person. Just like Lexa was here to serve her people. If she is incapacitated, she can no longer lead her people. The Conclave must happen.” He pauses. “This was her last instruction as Commander, and I will honour it.”

“That’s not all she’s worth!” Clarke argues. “She’s not _just_ the Commander. She’s a _person_. A _good_ person.” Clarke knows she’s one of the only people on Earth who thinks and knows what Lexa is really like, but she still insists on telling people anyway.

“If she’s no longer the Commander, then I no longer have any obligation to her—”

“Just because she’s not the Commander, doesn’t mean she deserves to die!” Clarke shouts again, her voice now becoming hoarse. “ _Lexa_ deserves to live, and I couldn’t care less if you agree with me or not. Now have you finished _harvesting_ what you want from her? You have no more sense of duty towards her? Get the hell out.”

Titus doesn’t say anything more. He straightens his back and pockets the AI. “Lexa made me promise to not harm you, but her blockade will still be in effect until we find the next Commander. It will be dangerous for you and your people to still be here past dawn.” He says solemnly, looking between Clarke, Octavia and Murphy. His gaze then lands on Lexa one last time before he leaves the room.

Clarke is still in shock as she watches him leave. She knows that this is the Grounder way. That they must follow traditions and disregard personal feelings, but it was almost as if Titus didn’t _have_ any personal feelings at all. Titus had the privilege of knowing Lexa for almost her entire life and he took it for granted. It made her seethe with envy. She wishes more than anything that _she_ had that time with Lexa.

“Clarke,” Octavia addresses Clarke, snapping the blonde out of her daze. “What can I do to help?”

“She needs a blood transfusion,” Clarke speaks quickly, her voice thick. “But she— _God_ , she’s a Nightblood. She needs the blood of another Nightblood.”

Octavia turns towards Indra, and the two share a nod. “I’ll go and get the Nightbloods. It’s against our laws to harvest their blood, but they will want to save her. What Titus doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Indra says quietly, and it’s then that Clarke notices she’s in shock. She’s been standing at the door the entire time, and her entire body is rigid. Her eyes are wide and trained entirely on Lexa’s body.

“Indra…” Clarke says slowly, taking a cautious step towards the woman. “You need to hurry. The longer we wait, the less chance she’ll have.”

Instead of arguing, Indra gives her a brief nod before hurrying out of the room.

“Octavia, try to patch up her neck. We don’t want her bleeding out from there either.” Octavia obeys Clarke without a word. Clarke is genuinely surprised by it, especially since Lexa had once wanted her dead, but a part of her thinks Octavia understands what she’s going through. They had to save Lincoln’s life once before, and they did everything in their power to do so. She knows that Octavia is just returning the favour.

Clarke sighs as she looks down at her hands. They’re still shaking violently and they’re completely coated in Lexa’s black blood. She turns towards the healers. “How is she?”

“Her heartbeat is weak and her breathing is shallow,” the eldest of the two says. Her hair is grey, and she wears a symbol Clarke vaguely recognises from the clan meetings she attended as Skaikru’s ambassador. Clarke’s also rather impressed by her English. She guesses it’s from living in Polis for so long. “Once we get the blood, we will try to fix the damage. Our medicine will allow her to stay unconscious.”

Clarke lets out a breath. “So she’s alive? For now?”

“For now. I’m afraid she will not get the treatment she needs unless we get her back to my village.”

Clarke narrows her eyes. “And what village would that be?”

“I am from Floudonkru. Your kind would call us the Boat People.”

Octavia lifts her head. “You’re one of Luna’s people?”

The woman nods. “Yes. Our clan has some of the best healers. Plants we find in our lakes and oceans have saved countless lives. People have survived worse than this. Infection is our primary concern, we need fresh ingredients to heal her.”

Octavia turns towards Clarke. “We can trust Luna. She’s close with Lincoln.”

Clarke nods. It sounds all too perfect, but Lexa may not even survive the next few hours. “How far away is your village?”

“If she lives, we can be there by dawn. The boats are not far from the Polis borders, and they are swift along the seas.”

Clarke feels briefly hopeful at the prospect. Her heart beats faster. “I’m surprised Titus trusts us with her.”

Octavia shakes her head. “He’s left guards outside the door. He’ll be back for the body. He’s probably just being courteous.”

The healer agrees. “Dawn is when the Conclave is usually announced to the people. That is how long we have.”

“And what about you? Won’t you be seen as traitors for helping us?” Octavia asks.

“Lexa is the best Commander our world has seen,” the elderly healer tells her. “If we can do our part to save her, then we must. Not all of us believe that blood should always have blood.”

“Even if we do save her, she’s not the Commander anymore. That _thing_ Titus pulled out of her… that’s what makes her the Commander.” Octavia reasons.

Clarke sighs. The plan sounded good for all of two minutes, but it’s too good to be true. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, let’s make sure she stops bleeding.” She chews on her lower lip as she looks at Lexa. The adrenaline is beginning to wear off, and now all she feels is worry. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Clarke, you should get some rest,” Octavia suggests. “We’ve got this, you won’t let you down.”

Clarke shakes her head. “I’m not leaving her. I’m never…” She sighs, deciding not to finish the sentence. She turns towards Murphy, who is still standing by the door. “Once we get rid of the guards, you should go back to Arkadia. It won’t be safe here for you by dawn.”

Murphy nods. “Anything to get away from the psycho bald guy.”

“And Murphy? You don’t tell anyone where we are, and you don’t tell anyone that we have Lexa.”

Murphy frowns. “There are things you don’t know about, Clarke. That AI chip that was in the back of her neck is connected to something much bigger. Grounders like Lexa… the ones with black blood… they’re connected to the Ark. When I was captured, I found a pod from the Ark that had Polaris written on the side of it, but the ‘A’ and ‘R’ were faded due to re-entry.”

Clarke blinks a few times in realisation. “Polis?”

Murphy nods slowly. “There’s more too. About Jaha and the City of Light.”

“So… you’re saying the AI chip… is from the Ark? The Commander’s spirit is something that was created on the thirteenth station? Then someone carried that chip all the way down in a pod?” Clarke asks, her eyebrows furrowing in disbelief. “That’s insane.”

“Oh, it gets worse,” Murphy says with an eye roll. “Look, I’ll get back to Arkadia and if I learn anything new, I’ll come find you. The Boat People can’t be too hard to find, right?”

“Murphy, there’s a blockade. You’ll be killed if you leave Arkadia—”

Clarke’s sentence is cut off by Indra quickly re-entering the room, and she can see a row of heads waiting outside before the door shuts behind Indra. “What happened to the guards?” She asks with narrowed eyes, noticing that they are no longer outside the door.

“Taken care of,” Indra replies simply, and Clarke doesn’t ask. She certainly knew what Indra was capable of. She’s just surprised they didn’t hear anything. “Every single Nightblood volunteered.”

“Then we need to do this now,” the healer confirms, pulling out a small blade from her satchel and proceeds to light a fire. The other healer stands and takes out several pouches that seem to be made from some sort of animal skin. She also pulls out makeshift tubes and a blade of her own. Clarke watches her lead the Nightbloods in one by one, her eyes trained on Aden, who looks especially grave.

As the other healer leaves Lexa’s side, Clarke takes her place. She takes one look at Lexa’s face and realises she might just be sick before all of this is over. The Floudonkru healer is sterilizing her hands and heating the blade. Clarke knows a bit about medical treatment, but any form of surgery is way out of her league. She’s sure that even these healers haven’t removed many bullets in their time. She hopes they know what they’re doing.

Clarke’s more than worried, and watching Lexa’s chest rise and fall with shallow breaths isn’t helping matters.

\------

The healer tries to make an incision, and she pokes around the wound with a pair of makeshift tweezers she has pulled out of her satchel. The coagulant has allowed her to examine the wound much more clearly. Clarke’s surprised when, after only a few minutes of searching, the woman smiles. She hears the tweezers clink against something metal. “Just as I thought. There it is,” is all the healer says.

Seeing the small object lifted out of Lexa’s body and disposed of gives Clarke more hope than she usually allows herself to feel. If Lexa has been able to survive this far, then she has a chance. Clarke knows that nobody is more of a fighter than she is.

Clarke is more than impressed by the healer's skills. She holds the bag that is now feeding the black blood into Lexa’s veins. The other healer is using as many cloths as possible in order to soak up the blood that Lexa loses. Clarke is cautiously optimistic as she stands by Lexa’s side, her hands that hold the bag trembling slightly. The combination of the coagulant and the extra blood on standby is actually working, and Clarke isn’t sure if her shaking is due to fear or just pure adrenaline. She realises she has never given the Grounder healers enough credit. With the proper equipment on hand, they really are capable of more than she thought.

There’s a reason this particular healer is working in the Polis tower. She is likely the best of the best.

Clarke leans in to take a closer look. She lets out a heavy breath of relief as she confirms what the healer has been telling her. “The wound isn’t deep. It looks like it’s only torn through muscle.” She allows herself to close her eyes tightly, but tears still escape through the gaps. She’s so relieved that she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

“I would say that the bullet has only grazed her organs. She will likely receive an infection if we don’t hurry,” the Floudonkru healer confirms. “I am confident that this will heal if we keep her healthy.”

 “How…?” Clarke asks, shaking her head. The logical part of her brain is screaming at her that Lexa should be dead by now. “How? Normally a bullet would have ripped through her organs and arteries.”

“I have healed many in my time, especially wounds from the Mountain Men. All I know is that bullet wounds vary. As I’m sure you are aware, some are very lucky, and some are not. I once knew a man who survived six bullets, but there are many who are unable to survive just one.” The healer tells her. “The blood of Natblida is also very different to ours. It’s much denser, due to the mutation. I have never worked on a Natblida with a gunshot wound before, but that may have changed the outcome.”

The confirmation that Lexa may heal doesn’t quell Clarke’s fears. She knows that infection is highly likely, and if they don’t get out of here soon, Lexa will die and all of this would have been for nothing. Then again, they managed to stop the bleeding, they managed to get rid of the bullet. Maybe luck was on their side.

Maybe.

Clarke isn’t sure she believes in luck anymore.

“Patch her up, and let’s get moving.” Octavia says. She’s standing across the room, keeping an eye on the door. “It sounds like we don’t have a lot of time left.”

“Okay, Clarke, I’m going to cauterize now,” the healer warns her, and she knows that’s her cue to finish the transfusion.

It’s then that Clarke realises that she’s crying. Tears blur her vision and she lets out a heart-wrenching sob that tears through the room. Her hands are shaking again, and they’ve been covered in black blood for a less than an hour and she’s already sick of the sight of it. The Nightbloods have returned to their quarters, but there are still five other people in the room with her. She always feels embarrassed about breaking down in front of others, but this is Lexa. _Her_ Lexa.

Her chest heaves, and Octavia is at her side in an instant. The brunette has her hand on Clarke’s back as she tries to suck in deep breaths.

“I can’t… I can’t lose her, Octavia,” Clarke sobs, turning towards her friend. She can barely see her through her tears. Her lower lip wobbles. “Please tell me I’m not going to lose her.”

“Clarke…” Octavia murmurs quietly. Her voice is coated with understanding, like she knows all of Clarke’s feelings for Lexa without her having to say it. “The more we stall, the less chance she has of surviving. You can save her life, Clarke. _You can_. You are more than capable, and I’ll be by your side the entire time. So let’s do this together.”

Clarke nods quickly. If Lexa dies because she’s too busy having a breakdown, she would never forgive herself. The looks over at the Floudonkru healer, who has tried her best to cauterize and dress the wound. Clarke knows that cauterization will lead directly to even more infection if they don’t get her proper help. The healers have various vials filled with liquids and gels, and even one containing a glue-like substance. It’s nothing like what they had on the Ark. Everything on the Ark was very medical and scientific, and everything here is so natural and fresh. It’s a stark contrast, but Clarke trusts that the healers will be able to help with any internal injuries.

Clarke lets out a shaky breath. She knows that if she doesn’t pull herself together, then Lexa doesn’t stand a chance. She wipes the tears away from her eyes. She remembers something Lexa had said to her when they had just begun their alliance — _You showed true strength today._ _Don’t let emotions stop you now_.

“Okay, we’re going to need a stretcher and something to cover her with so nobody sees. And we’re going to need to use the elevator, so if there are any guards on the way down, I want them gone.” Clarke’s voice is authoritative, and she realises she sounds just like her mother. If only her mother were here, then she would have a lot more confidence in Lexa’s survival.

“It’s dusk,” Indra starts, turning towards the window. “There will not be many people wandering the halls at this hour. I will go down first and distract the guards on the bottom floor. We will sneak out, using the cover of darkness. We will find a horse and cart outside the gates, and you’ll be on your way to the coast.”

Clarke is quite sure she’s never loved Indra more than she does in this moment. “Will you come with us?”

Indra shakes her head. “I am Lexa’s second in command, therefore I must take her place as the leader of Trikru until she either returns or dies.” She pauses, turning towards Octavia. “I must go back to my people. I hope you will join me there once this is all over.”

Octavia smiles, and it’s a rare sight, but it’s one of Clarke’s favourites. “I would be honoured, Indra.”

Indra nods, and Clarke knows that the relationship between the two of them is something she’ll never understand, but she respects it immensely. She’s glad that Octavia has found her place. She knows the feeling, because whenever she looks at Lexa, she knows she’s found her place too.

“Okay,” Clarke says, taking one last look at Lexa. It almost scares Clarke to see her in such a vulnerable state. The Floudonkru healer is checking her pulse and nodding to herself. Bandages have been placed over her wound now, but her shirt is still ripped. Clarke grabs one of her own shirts hanging over a chair, just in case. “Okay,” she repeats, steadying herself with a quiet exhale. “It’s time to go. We have a life to save.”

\------

Traversing through the streets of Polis at night, and attempting to remain undetected, is much better in theory than in reality. Luckily, Indra knew more shortcuts and back alleys than anyone else, so she had been able to guide them through. They had a couple of close calls, and Clarke had quite literally held her breath as they waited in dark alleys for people to pass by them.

It was made much harder with the stretcher carried by Clarke and Octavia, and it took a lot longer than Clarke had hoped, but she couldn’t help the relief washing over her when they finally got to the city border. If anybody had known that it was Lexa they were carrying — or even a Grounder body or any kind — the entire city would become chaotic. Not to mention, it made her anxious still being so close to the tower. For all she knew, Titus could have already been back to the room and discovered that they were all gone.

Finding a horse and cart had been a lot easier. Indra, Murphy and the second healer had all said their goodbyes (and gone their separate ways) whilst Octavia and the Floudonkru healer had hopped in the front of the cart. Discarding the stretcher, the three women tried their best to lay Lexa down comfortably in the back of the cart. Clarke insisted on joining her.

Just as they’re about to leave, however, Clarke is startled by a sound in the bushes. She freezes, and she’s sure they’ve been caught by someone. That a guard has followed them and is now just catching up. It isn’t until she sees a small, slim figure with light hair creeping out of the bushes that she relaxes.

“Aden?” Clarke asks, squinting in the darkness. “What are you doing here?”

“I followed you,” he says. “And you have to take me with you.”

Clarke shakes her head. “No. You’re needed at the Conclave. Lexa will want you fighting for that Commander’s position.”

“You might need more blood from me,” Aden argues. “ _She_ is my Heda. I won’t abandon her. I refuse to replace a Commander who is not dead.”

Clarke sighs. The boy does have a point. If they, for any reason, need more blood, they won’t be able to find any at the Floudonkru village. There’s also a very good chance that if Aden stays in Polis, he will die at the hands of Ontari. Despite being trained by Lexa herself, Clarke knows he is no match for someone twice his age who has been serving the Ice Nation since birth.

At the same time, Lexa would never approve of it. Aden was her most promising, and Clarke knows that she would be hoping that he would represent her at the Conclave. He would make her proud. This decision is giving Ontari a clear shot to the Commander’s throne, and it’s throwing away all of their hard work for peace.

Eventually, Clarke’s heart wins out. Having Ontari as Commander for a short time and having Lexa live, is an outcome she can deal with. She’s determined to get Lexa back on that throne, no matter what it takes. They have already broken all the rules, so she knows another one wouldn’t hurt.

“Okay, hop in.” Clarke gestures towards Aden, and he moves to sit on the other side of Lexa’s body. She looks towards the boy. “When Lexa scolds you for not taking part in the Conclave, you’re not allowed to blame me.”

Aden smiles, and it’s the best thing Clarke has seen all night. “Okay. I promise.”

As Octavia spurs the horse along the winding roads away from Polis, Lexa’s head is resting in Clarke’s lap. The brunette is covered with a blanket to protect her from the cold, and Clarke is finally feeling her emotions catch up with her.

Clarke looks up at the clear night sky, the inky canvas littered with thousands upon thousands of stars. Clarke’s free hand instinctively finds Lexa’s hair, and Clarke notes that it calms her to thread her fingers through it. Her other hand is occupied; simultaneously moving between her pulse point and her chest to check for her heartbeat and breathing. So far, so good. Whatever the healers had given her was working miracles.

“You’re going to be fine,” she murmurs softly to Lexa’s unconscious form. “We’re going to see the stars like this together someday. We’re going to come out here, just you and me, with no obligations to anyone, and we’re going to sit and watch the stars. I’m going to tell you about all the constellations, and I’ll even show you where the Ark once was. You’ll be able to see where I came from. You hear me?” She asks quietly. The only thing that can be heard is the sound of the cart rattling along the road. Clarke wishes it could be this peaceful all the time. “You’re not allowed to die. Not on my watch.”

Clarke’s been so preoccupied with saving her, that she momentarily forgets that Lexa is no longer the Commander. The thought terrifies her — the _unknown_ terrifies her — but at the same time, the sense of freedom is almost unfathomable. If Lexa lives, she will have time to heal. And Clarke won’t leave her side until she has.

Despite her fears for the future, Clarke can’t focus on anything else except Lexa’s wellbeing.

The Floudonkru healer has given her another dose of medicine in order to keep her unconscious. It’s strong stuff, and the smell makes Clarke want to gag. Despite its strength, Clarke can tell Lexa is restless. Her eyebrows are creased, and unintelligible mumbles leave her lips every so often. Clarke wonders if it has anything to do with her losing the chip. She’s becoming increasingly worried about the effect that will have on her.

Not only that, but keeping her unconscious can only help them for so long. She’ll need to eat and drink at some point, and now all they’re doing is racing against the clock. Clarke hates that Lexa’s fate is now in the hands of luck and chance.

Clarke tries not to think about how only hours ago, Lexa was giving herself to Clarke. If there’s one thing Clarke will remember for the rest of her life, it’s the look Lexa had given her when she sat down on the bed. Clarke had never seen such emotion in Lexa before, and all she had wanted to do was wipe her tears away and promise her she was never going to leave.

Lexa’s hands were shaking when she had pulled Clarke down with her. She was clearly scared, and Clarke had given her comfort in as many forms as she possibly could. She kissed her lips, her cheeks, her neck, her collarbone. She whispered reassurances against her skin, telling her that it was okay, that _this_ between them was real, and that she had wanted it for a long time.

Clarke knows it shouldn’t hurt to think about something so beautiful, but it does.

“I’m not leaving you again,” she whispers to Lexa, even though Clarke knows she can’t hear her. “I promise you, I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Her voice drops to an even lower whisper. Her lower lip is wobbling again. “I won’t say goodbye again.”

Clarke knows Arkadia is waiting for her, and she knows the blockade is still in effect. If Ontari becomes Commander, which is looking more and more likely, she will no doubt march on Arkadia and slaughter every last one of her people. Clarke knows she should be there for them, but she can’t let this go. She can’t leave Lexa when she needs her the most.

She’s always being told to look out for her people, but Lexa _was_ one of her people. _Her_ person.

If Lexa lives, there’s a chance. A chance for them, and a chance for all of their people.

As they approach the coast, Clarke feels the change in the air. It’s getting a lot colder, and she doesn’t want to have to worry about the possibility of Lexa freezing to death as well. She instinctively pulls her closer, dragging the blanket upwards and rubbing her arms in an attempt to keep her warm. She hopes her body heat alone is able to do the trick.

A boat is waiting for them on the shore, along with two men who Clarke assumes to be fellow Floudonkru warriors. The healer tells them that there is always a boat or two waiting for those from the clan who wish to travel across. Clarke was expecting something small and with oars, but that isn’t the case at all. At least she no longer has to worry about falling overboard and drowning. She remembers the time she told Lexa that she didn’t know how to swim, and Lexa had promised to teach her one day. Clarke hopes that she gets that opportunity.

Despite the size of the boat, Clarke’s still a little scared of going out on the water. It reminds her of being in space — trapped with nowhere to escape. If something goes wrong, there is nothing they would be able to do. She knows having Lexa with her will calm her, but she really wishes that she was conscious. As she thinks of Lexa, Aden places his hand on Clarke’s shoulder, causing the blonde to smile. She’s suddenly very glad that he’s here.

The two men address the healer as Ida, and they freeze as soon as they see Clarke lifting Lexa out the back of the cart. They rush to her aid, speaking rapid Trigedasleng to Ida. Clarke only picks up certain words here and there, but they seem determined to help Lexa. Nobody else knows that she’s no longer Commander, making people think that she is would give them an advantage. Clarke is definitely willing to lie if it means saving her life.

As the guards lift Lexa out of Clarke’s arms, the brunette lets out a low groan. She’s still unconscious, but the medicine Ida had given her seems to be wearing off. Clarke’s not sure she trusts the guards, so she stays close by their side until they lower Lexa into the boat. Clarke climbs in after, resuming their position from before with Lexa’s head in her lap. All she can do right now is offer her support and comfort, and that’s exactly what Clarke plans to do.

Before long, Octavia and Ida have boarded and they’re heading towards the wide expanse of ocean. Aden falls asleep somewhere along the way. He’s curled up against the shirt Clarke had brought to replace Lexa’s with.

It still makes Clarke nervous to be out on the open water, so instead, she chooses to look down at Lexa. Doing her routine pulse check, she lets her hand linger at the girl’s neck. The warmth of her skin comforts her. Warmth means she’s still alive, and right now, that’s all Clarke can hold on to. Clarke’s so busy focusing on her pulse that she doesn’t notice Lexa is semi-conscious again until she lets out another groan.

Clarke’s eyes snap up to look at Lexa’s hooded ones. “Hi,” she whispers, and before she realises it, a tear falls from her eye and lands on Lexa’s cheek.

“You’re crying,” Lexa rasps. Her eyes are barely open and her breathing is laboured.

Clarke shakes her head, wiping at her eyes. “Don’t worry about me. How’s the pain?”

“Bad,” she gasps, and Clarke feels her heart clench. Lexa has never been one to admit pain or weakness, so the fact that she is now, is worrying her. “I don’t… I don’t remember what happened. Where are we?”

“You were shot, love,” she murmurs softly, her hand caressing Lexa’s hair. Clarke’s sure she won’t remember this conversation either. “We’re going to get you better, okay? I promise.”

Lexa nods, but Clarke can tell she doesn’t quite understand. Her mind seems to be elsewhere, and Clarke hopes it’s just due to the medicine. “…I don’t remember anything.”

“I know,” Clarke assures. Her mother used to tell her all the time that patients often didn’t remember the events that led to their trauma. “Just trust me when I say we’re trying to fix you.”

“I do,” Lexa wheezes before closing her eyes again. “I trust you.”

Clarke lifts her hand up to Lexa’s forehead. She’s burning up, and it’s not a good sign. They didn’t come all this way just for Lexa to die of infection — there’s no way Clarke’s going to let that happen. She lifts her head and raises her voice. “She’s not doing so well. She’s running a fever. She’s in and out of consciousness too.”

Ida nods. “We’re getting closer to the shore. Just make sure she’s still breathing.”

Clarke places a hand on Lexa’s chest, feeling comforted at the steady rise and fall. Lexa’s dying, and Clarke knows that it’s no longer in her hands. She locks her jaw. She refuses to cry again.

Ida turns towards one of the Floudonkru warriors. “Once we reach the shore, you need to run into the village and get Luna straight away. Tell her we have Lexa and that it’s an emergency. Do not speak to anyone else, is that clear?”

As the warrior nods, Clarke narrows her eyes. “How do you speak English so well?” She blurts out, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Ida gives her a wry smile. “I’m the Commander’s personal healer. There are many of us, but I have been here the longest. Lexa speaks a lot of your language, probably even more than our own. It seems to be a part of her now.”

Clarke can’t help but smile at that. The only reason Lexa spoke so much English was because of her and her people. “Does that bother you? That she speaks our language more?”

Ida shakes her head. “We must learn to co-exist. Lexa was always telling us this, and I agree with her. There’s no point in constantly being at war. If learning your language aids peace, then I am happy to do it.”

“If you’re the Commander’s personal healer… does that mean you were at Mount Weather?”

Ida nods. “I was at the Trikru camp, yes. I follow the Commander into every battle.” Her lips turn upwards briefly. “I examined her arm after the two of you escaped from the pauna.”

Clarke smiles at the memory. Although that day had been terrifying, it was during much simpler times. She and Lexa were just getting to know each other, and Clarke remembers that day as the one where Lexa really started to see her for who she truly was. It was the day Lexa finally saw her strength.

“She told me that you saved her life that day.”

Clarke nods. “I did.” She remembers it like it was yesterday. The same thing had happened in this instance — Lexa had told Clarke not to save her, but she did anyway. Clarke should’ve known back then that it was never just about the alliance or needing Lexa as the Commander. It had always been more than that.

“Maybe history will repeat itself,” Ida tells her, giving her a small nod.

Clarke hopes so, because that’s the only thing she can think about. Not returning to Arkadia means she’s a traitor to her own people, and her recent actions will brand her a traitor to the people of Polis. She doesn’t belong anywhere anymore, except right here with Lexa.

\------

Clarke knows when they’re approaching the coast, because she can see trees on the horizon. Not as many as there are back in the woods, but Clarke thinks it’s nice Lexa will be around similar scenery. Ever since becoming an ambassador in Lexa’s Coalition, Clarke has been curious about the other clans. She always hoped that she’d one day get to travel and see them all. Maybe even with Lexa by her side. Now she knows that most of the dreams she had involving Lexa were just that — silly fantasies that will never actually come true.

Clarke wonders how much longer the Coalition will exist for if Ontari becomes the Commander. It only makes her even more determined to save Lexa’s life.

As predicted, they reach the shore right around dawn. Clarke doesn’t realise just how exhausted she is until the sun begins to rise over the water. It truly is a beautiful sight, and she makes a mental note to come back down to the water at sunrise when she isn’t so distracted. When Lexa is better and is able to come with her.

Once they reach the shore, the warrior Ida had been talking to all but jumps out of the boat. Clarke can see buildings in the distance, nestled amongst the trees, and she suddenly becomes incredibly anxious. This is the place where Lexa will either live or die, and she knows she’s not ready to say goodbye for a second time.

She lets the second warrior lift Lexa from the boat, but she keeps a close eye on him as he begins to carry her across the sand. They’re about halfway towards the village when the first warrior reappears with a woman in tow. Clarke knows it’s Luna before she even opens her mouth. She has an air of authority about her, similar to the one that Lexa gives off. She seems immediately worried when she lays eyes on Lexa, and she rushes over, placing her hand on her forehead and then her pulse.

Clarke stands by Lexa protectively, watching Luna’s every move.

“We don’t have much time,” Luna says, looking between the members of the group before her eyes finally land on her own warriors. “She is not to be seen. By anyone. Do you understand me?” She waits until the warriors nod before continuing. “Take her to my house. We can’t risk her going to the medical facility. Take her to the guest room, and bring my most trusted healers with you. You know who I’m talking about.”

As the warriors begin to walk away, Clarke attempts to follow them, but Luna places her hand out in order to stop her. Clarke crosses her arms over her chest. “You don’t want to be standing in my way right now.”

“And you don’t want to be threatening the person who’s going to save Lexa’s life,” Luna quips with a raised eyebrow. “You must be the Sky girl. Clarke, is it? Or should I call you Wanheda?”

Clarke raises an eyebrow of her own. “Whichever one makes you work on Lexa faster.”

Luna shrugs. “I suppose that’s fair.” She turns towards Ida. “It’s been too long since we’ve crossed paths, Ida. It’s good to see you’re still looking after our Lexa.” She smiles. _Our Lexa_. This gives Clarke the indication that they’re somewhat close, which can only be a good thing in regards to saving her life. Lastly, her gaze lands on Octavia. “And who might these two be?”

“I’m Octavia, and this is Aden.”

“ _Ah_ ,” Luna starts, realisation lighting up her eyes as she looks at Octavia. “You’re Lincoln’s girl. I was wondering when I might meet you.”

“Lincoln says you’re good friends.”

“I’ve helped him out on more than one occasion. I’m sure he would never admit it though,” Luna laughs.

Normally, Clarke would feel refreshed being around someone speaking so light-heartedly, but her growing uneasiness about being away from Lexa was too much to ignore. She quickly cuts into the conversation. “What are you going to do to help Lexa?”

Luna turns back towards her as they continue walking up the path towards the village. As Clarke gets closer, she sees that the village extends all the way up to the cliff face. The ocean breeze is unlike anything she’s ever felt before, and everything just seems peaceful. Far too peaceful for it to be normal. “She will be given as much medicine as she needs. Our rare medicines, if she requires it. We will not let our Heda die.”

Clarke bites her lower lip. “She’s… no longer the Commander. Titus, her advisor, took the Commander’s spirit out of her because he thought she wasn’t going to make it. They’re preparing for     the Conclave as we speak.”

Luna stops in her tracks. She pauses for a moment, as if contemplating her reply. “Then we must make sure she lives so she is able to reclaim the title of Heda once more. This world will suffer without Lexa as Commander. We need her.”

Clarke clenches her jaw. She wishes she hadn’t been so overcome with panic when Lexa was shot. Maybe then she would’ve been able to fight harder for her, to make sure Titus didn’t take the spirit out of her. She knows that her priority is saving Lexa’s life, but everyone else’s priority seems to be keeping Lexa as the Commander. Clarke gets it. Nobody knows Lexa in the way that she does. Lexa doesn’t show her true self to just anyone, but she wishes that _just once_ , people would see her for more than just a suitable body for the Commander’s spirit.

Clarke follows Luna closely until they reach her house. It’s at the top of the hill, towards the cliff face, and they had to take a path through the trees in order to get there. Octavia had explained to her that Luna was the leader of the clan, so it made sense that her house was not only guarded, but secluded from the majority of the village. Clarke’s never been in someone’s actual _house_ before, but all she cares about is Lexa getting the care that she needs.

The house is decent-sized, and its windows overlook the ocean. As soon as Luna makes it inside, she moves across the room and opens the wooden shutters, letting the wind blow straight through the room. The main room is rather large, a fur mat covers the floor and a table with chairs sits by the open window. Sea shells hang in front of the window by pieces of string, clinking together as the breeze hits them.

Clarke’s never seen a sea shell in real life before, and she’s almost mesmerized by it, until Luna’s voice captures her attention. “If you’ll follow me, she’s in here.”

The hallway is narrow, but they pass a few doorways before they reach Lexa’s. Clarke doesn’t realise she’s holding her breath until she sees Lexa lying there, and then she lets it all out at once. Clarke can see from across the room that there’s sweat covering her forehead. Her fever must be getting worse, she realises, but the window has been left open, so she hopes the sea breeze will cool her down.

Clarke lets her feet carry her over to the bed and she sits on the edge of it, immediately taking Lexa’s hand in her own. Her touch causes Lexa to stir, and the brunette lets out a low murmur. There’s a cloth sitting by the bed next to a small bowl of water. Using her free hand, Clarke wets the cloth and smooths it over Lexa’s forehead. Lexa’s eyebrows crease and her head moves from side to side only slightly. Clarke gives her hand a long squeeze, comforted by the fact that Lexa is still alive and no longer bleeding out everywhere. Lexa’s blood is still all over her hands and the front of her shirt, and she hasn’t slept in twenty-four hours. She’s far too focused to even think about sleep right now.

“My healers are on the way with the medicine she’ll need,” Luna explains to her. Clarke turns her head and realises that everyone in the room is watching her. Aden is standing by the door; his arms are placed behind his back in the same way that Lexa’s are when she tries to be authoritative. It makes Clarke smile. “We’ll look after her, I promise.”

Clarke nods, turning her head so she’s looking at Lexa again. She does feel like she’s beginning to trust Luna more. She doesn’t have much of a choice, really. It’s either that or watch Lexa die slowly and painfully from infection. Additionally, there’s no way they would have been able to stay in Polis with Titus lurking around. This is their only option, and Clarke is willing to run with it.

“She’ll need fresh water and food as soon as possible,” Luna tells her guards, and once they leave the room, she turns towards Clarke and Octavia. “Since there’s now a kill order on your people, I would recommend that you don’t leave this house at all. If you must leave, make sure it’s at night, and follow the back trail through the trees to get back here.”

Ida agrees. “Once Titus notices that the body is missing, he’ll have warriors on the doorsteps of all the clan leaders. They’ll be asking a lot of questions.”

Luna nods. “That’s okay. Once Lexa is feeling better, there’s a place I can take you where you’ll be safe. Titus will have his hands full with both the Conclave and trying to find her, and we won’t give anything away.”

Clarke turns towards Aden. “Titus is going to notice you’re not there for the Conclave. He’ll be looking for you as well.”

Aden shrugs. “I am where I need to be.”

Clarke smiles again. The warmth of Lexa’s hand is all she concentrates on until Luna’s healers enter the room. Clarke knows that her limited medical knowledge won’t be able to help Lexa when she doesn’t have any medicine that she’s familiar with, so she stands up from the bed and lets the healers get to work.

Luna leads Clarke, Octavia and Aden back into the main room, before sitting down in one of the chairs by the window. “So, what happened? Why was there a _gun_ inside Polis?”

Clarke pauses. She knows revisiting how it happened will mean revisiting all the emotions she’s been trying to avoid. “…Titus was trying to shoot me, but she… shielded me.”

Luna narrows her eyes. “And why was he trying to shoot you?”

Clarke doesn’t answer, but Luna’s gaze changes from a curious one to a knowing one.

“Oh,” she deadpans, “Yes, I definitely recognise that look. Costia had the same expression on her face whenever Titus was brought up.”

Clarke lifts her head, the name catching her attention. “You knew Costia?”

“Lexa and I have known each other for a long time,” Luna confirms. “I was one of the only people who knew about Costia. Titus had never been happy with the relationship, and Costia was well aware of it. Lexa told me she would always avoid him whenever they were spending time together. It was always very suspicious to me.”

Clarke narrows her eyes for a moment. She tries to pick up on what Luna’s insinuating. “You think Titus had something to do with Costia’s death,” she guesses. Her heart begins to race at the thought. That theory certainly makes a lot of missing pieces fall into place.

Luna gives her a half shrug. “I have no proof, so I never told Lexa what I thought. She always looked at him like a father, but I never trusted him, and he never trusted anyone that was close with Lexa. To me, Titus trying to kill you is a clear sign that Lexa cares about you.”

Clarke tries not to smile, but fails. Normally, she knew this conversation wouldn’t be appropriate in front of other people, but Octavia and Aden the only other people in the room, and Clarke thinks Octavia, especially, would have to be very dense to not know about her feelings for Lexa.

“We all know about the Sky People joining the Coalition,” Luna continues. “I heard that my ambassador was one of the first to betray Lexa when Queen Nia staged her coup.” She sighs, shaking her head. “I never endorsed that, but it’s very hard to keep my personal feelings for Lexa apart from my leadership role.”

Clarke laughs. It’s the first time she’s laughed since before Lexa was shot, and it doesn’t feel appropriate at all, but she can’t help it. Luna’s sentence is just far too amusing for her to not react. “Tell me about it. Personal feelings are what got us into this mess.”

Luna scoffs, shaking her head. “Titus has been drilling ‘love is weakness’ into Lexa’s head since she was a child. You proved him wrong in just one day. Look at everything you've done in order to keep Lexa alive. That is not weakness in my eyes. Personal feelings have a time and a place, yes, but they only make us stronger in the end.”

“Yeah, Clarke,” Octavia agrees. “You used three modes of transport to get Lexa help. You moved mountains to bring her here. I think that deserves some recognition. Love gives us something to fight for.”

Luna smiles at Octavia. “Someone here knows a thing or two about love.”

Octavia ducks her head, a shy smile appearing on her lips. Clarke wonders just how close Luna and Lincoln are, but she knows this isn’t the appropriate time to be discussing the ins and outs of their personal lives.

“I suppose… since Lexa is no longer the Commander, you won’t have to worry about personal feelings getting in the way of anything,” Luna tells her with a raised eyebrow.

Normally, that sentence would make Clarke incredibly happy. It _should_ make her incredibly happy. All she has wanted for weeks — months, even — was to not have to choose her people over Lexa. Now, once that opportunity finally arises, it’s in the worst possible way. Clarke wants Lexa as Commander. She _needs_ her as Commander. The whole world needs her. “I’m worried…” She admits with a quiet sigh. “About what taking that chip out means for her. I mean, it was attached to her _brain_. What if… she wakes up and the chip has taken a piece of her? Her emotions? Her memories? Titus said that no Commander has ever lived without the spirit.”

Luna looks pensive as she thinks. Clarke knows it’s difficult to talk technology with Grounders, since they do not see eye-to-eye on most issues. “I wish I was able to give you some reassurance, but this kind of technology… it’s not something I understand. I hate to say it, but we won’t know until she’s awake.”

Everyone in the room looks solemn, and the only thing that can be heard is the breeze rattling the sea shells and the low murmuring down the hall coming from Lexa’s room. Clarke can’t think of anything else to say. The only thing she wants is to be with Lexa.

“Hey, Clarke?” Octavia asks, cutting through the silence. “I’m sorry. About trying to get you to leave. If I had known…”

Clarke smiles slightly. “If you’d known about my feelings for Lexa you would’ve said it was okay for to stay? No, you wouldn’t have. You and I both know that our people are supposed come before personal feelings.” She sighs. “I just hoped that Lexa and I could finally be on the same side.”

“I’m still sorry. That Arkadia — namely my brother — made such a mess of everything. Everything would’ve been fine if Pike hadn’t won the election and slaughtered all of those Grounders.”

“That’s exactly why you don’t have to apologise,” Clarke says. “Pike is the only one to blame. If Lexa lives through this, I plan to fix that problem.”

“And if she doesn’t live through this…?” Octavia asks tentatively.

“Then he’ll have to sleep with both eyes open.”

\------

Luna tells the group that it’s not a good idea for them to sleep in the main room. If anyone comes past, they’ll be able to see them through the windows. Luna says that since she’s the clan leader, her house is always guarded, but that doesn’t necessarily make them safe. Instead, Luna offers them her room while she sleeps in the main room.

Clarke and Octavia share the large bed, and Aden takes the smaller lounge on the other side of the room. Clarke has learned that he falls asleep rather quickly. Clearly the boy is able to adapt to situations very easily. She knows it’s probably something he’s learned since training to become Commander. She knew children were resilient, but she wishes she could be as strong as Aden.

At first, Clarke is unable to sleep. She sits in the main room and watches the embers flicker from the fireplace. She grows anxious as hours pass without her seeing Lexa. She gives them some time to work on her, but ultimately decides it’s taking too long. She pushes herself up from the chair and heads towards the bedroom. The door is shut, as it has been ever since they arrived, and when she opens it, she’s surprised to see that only Ida is sitting by Lexa’s bed.

Ida doesn’t look too surprised to see her. “Where is everyone else?” Clarke asks, her eyes landing on Lexa. The first thing she notices is that her chest is still rising and falling. Despite this, she looks pale, and Clarke’s stomach drops.

“They’re letting her rest. Luna has gone to get more medicine,” Ida says, attempting to gauge Clarke’s reaction to seeing Lexa. “I know it looks bad, but the medicine is working. Her body is fighting the infection.”

Clarke’s whole jaw quivers as her feet carry her over to Lexa’s bed. Instead of sitting on the chair, she opts to kneel beside her. She reaches up, placing her hand on Lexa’s hairline. “Has she woken up again?”

Ida nods. “A few times. Just long enough for us to give her food and water. The medicine is making her confused, there’s no making sense of anything she says.”

As Ida speaks, Lexa’s eyebrows crease as if she can hear her.

“She’s been dreaming too. Mumbling and moving around in her sleep.”

Clarke knows these must just be regular nightmares. No longer having the chip means she’ll no longer hear other Commanders speaking to her in her sleep. Clarke absentmindedly wonders what Lexa dreams about now that she’s free of the Commander’s burden. Clarke knows she fears loss and failure, but she wonders how that manifests into her dreams.

There’s too much that Clarke wants to know about Lexa. They’ve spent so much time together, but Clarke still has so many questions. She just wants enough time to be personal and intimate and to share everything she has to offer with Lexa. She hates that this world is constantly taking that opportunity away from her.

Clarke takes Lexa’s hand in hers, and once again, she’s immediately comforted by the warmth it provides. “It sounds like you’re going to be okay,” she murmurs quietly, before letting out a long sigh. “I told you, didn’t I? I told you I’d make sure you were taken care of.”

Clarke watches Lexa’s face remain unchanged as she speaks. She smiles for a brief moment before her face falls again.

“Titus will know by now that you’re gone. The Conclave has probably begun too.” She pauses, and her next statement is only a whisper, “I’m sorry. I let you down by letting Titus take the spirit out of you. I know you weren’t expecting anyone to fight for you, but I did. And I’ll keep fighting. You were right, Lexa. That wasn’t the end for you. _This_ isn’t the end for you.”

When Clarke looks up again, she can see that Ida is smiling at her. She knows it’s probably a strange sight — unless they knew Costia, nobody would have ever seen someone be this close to Lexa before. Still, Clarke holds on to Lexa’s hand and she lets herself relax for a moment. She knows there’s a storm brewing, and nothing in the Grounder world will ever be the same. The Conclave is occurring, a Commander’s body is missing from the capital, and a war will likely start between the Grounders and her own people any day now. Yet, she allows herself this moment of peace.

Lexa’s alive, they’re in a safe place, and Clarke’s no longer the target of an assassination attempt. In this small room in a house across the sea, nothing can touch them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who cares about accurate medical knowledge in this anyway? Sue me. Give the Grounders all the magical medicines.
> 
> Also, a bit of background information on this fic, since I’ve completely hijacked canon and taken it my own direction:
> 
> This fic basically portrays the AI as something that stores data. Lexa doesn’t need to be dead for it to be taken out of her (that’s why the whole death ritual is obsolete here). Lexa tells Titus and Clarke to let her go, so basically, she chooses to let go of the spirit, because she believes she’s dying, and she’s allowing herself to die. This lets the AI detach itself from her. The chip makes a copy of Lexa’s ‘spirit’ or ‘essence’, essentially, and uploads it onto the chip, much like the Commanders before her.
> 
> Since Lexa isn’t dead, and therefore isn’t in the City of Light, she can’t actively talk to the current Commander like the previous ones were able to talk to her. However, a part of her, the part that was ‘uploaded’ before Titus took out the chip, will still be inside of the next Commander.
> 
> Also, this is your official warning: don’t expect the City of Light/the chips/any of that shit in this fic to be the same as canon. The way the CoL is constructed (and subsequently ‘defeated’) will be completely different, I can guarantee you. Just pretend the show doesn’t exist past the moment Lexa is shot and you’ll be fine lmao.
> 
> Since I don’t know (or care) about the rest of the storyline this season, I decided I might as well do it my own way. If Lexa can be careless in an OOC manner, get hit with a stray bullet, and die in less than two minutes, then I say anything’s possible!
> 
> (P.S. I'm aware Lincoln said in S2 that the Boat People don't speak English, but that's not really practical for this fic, so they gotta lmao.)


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a lot of talking in this. Like, a lot. Lexa is a soft puppy. Clarke and Lexa are very domestic. A lot of movement in the last one, so this is a lot more relaxed.

Lexa thinks it’s a little odd that the trees are purple.

Not just purple, but red and blue and yellow, too. She squints as she looks at them, but her brain is unable to make sense of it all. Trees aren’t purple. That’s just illogical. She scrunches up her nose at it. She’s not a fan of things that don’t make sense. She likes order and structure. This just isn’t right.

At first, she doesn’t notice the girl in the white dress, because she’s too busy looking at the trees. But the girl is in the purple tree, sitting on a branch with her legs dangling over the edge. She looks to be a little younger than Lexa, and fairly innocent. She’s watching Lexa intently, and Lexa’s curiosity gets the better of her. She takes a few steps forward in order to get a better look at the girl.

She sees wild, curly hair, dark skin and full lips.

Costia.

Lexa’s mouth opens to speak, but no words come out. She hasn’t seen Costia’s face in years. She thinks about her, of course, but she never really _sees_ her. She’s never in a clear human form, not like she is right now.

“Don’t act as if you’re not happy to see me,” Costia say, her voice playful. It’s just the way Lexa remembers it, and it makes her smile.

“Of course I’m happy to see you,” Lexa says, still slightly bewildered by the whole situation. “I’m just…”

“Confused?”

Lexa nods. She remains silent for a moment, looking at her surroundings. “Why are the trees changing colour? Am I going crazy?”

Costia smiles fondly at her. “No, niron. You’re dreaming.”

“Dreaming?” Lexa asks, furrowing her eyebrows. “No. I don’t dream.”

“You do now,” Costia explains, jumping down from the tree branch to the ground. She’s so light that she almost floats, and Lexa watches, thoroughly entranced. “You are no longer the Commander, Lexa. The burden of having the Commander’s spirit is no longer upon you. Your dreams were once the past Commanders speaking and projecting things to you. Now, your dreams are your own.”

“What do you mean…? Am I dead?” Lexa asks. She vaguely remembers something. Pain. Excruciating pain. Blood leaking from her abdomen. She remembers Titus. And she remembers telling everyone to stop fighting for her. Telling _Clarke_ to stop fighting for her. If Clarke had obeyed her, then logically, she was dead. She had to be dead. But, then again, when did Clarke ever follow her instructions?

“No.” Costia shakes her head. “But the Commander’s spirit was taken out of you.”

“That’s not possible,” Lexa argues. “One must be dead to have the Commander’s spirit taken from them.”

Costia shrugs. “You know I don’t make the rules. I’m just here because you’re thinking of me.”

Lexa smiles slightly. She’s always thinking of Costia, and she always will. Keeping her memory alive is important to Lexa, even if she’s the only one who’s doing so.

Lexa’s smile causes Costia to smile herself. “Come here.” She takes a step forward, holding out her arms.

Lexa is hesitant at first, but she knows there’s no way she’s _not_ going to reciprocate. Lexa embraces Costia, and she’s warm. Almost as warm as she remembers. A part of her knows she should feel sad being in Costia’s presence, but she doesn’t. She knows Costia isn’t alive, and she knows this isn’t real, but she’s finally having a moment of real peace for the first time in years. For a moment, everything is still and silent. She doesn’t ever want to let go of her, but she knows something this good can’t last forever.

Costia holds her in the same way that she always did. She was always shorter than Lexa, but that was just the way she liked it. Lexa had always loved the idea of being able to keep her safe. It’s just too bad that notion is quickly shattered by reality.

“I miss you,” Lexa mumbles, her arms tightening around Costia’s small frame.

“I miss you too,” Costia says, but her voice isn’t filled with the same heaviness that Lexa’s is. Clearly, she’s had time to process the fact that they can no longer be together. Lexa wishes she was the type of person who could just accept things and move on from them. Yet, when Costia had died, she couldn’t. She put on the front, because she had to, but nothing was stopping her from dying inside. She continued to feel that way until she had met Clarke.

 _Clarke_.

Lexa pulls back slightly so she can look at Costia. She watches her cautiously, but Costia knows her too well. She is able to pick up on the tiniest changes in Lexa’s facial expressions.

“You’re worried about Clarke,” Costia guesses.

Lexa freezes. It sounds strange hearing Clarke’s name coming from Costia’s lips. It’s also strange to think that the two of them will never actually meet each other. She wonders what they’d think of each other. She’s sure that Costia would love Clarke, once she got to know her. “How do you know?”

“I’m inside your head, remember?” She replies, a cheeky smile gracing her features.

Costia’s smile had always been contagious, and it causes Lexa to smile in response. It falters slightly before her next statement. “So, you know Clarke, then.”

Costia’s still smiling. “Of course I know Clarke,” she tuts, reaching up to place the palm of her hand against Lexa’s cheek. “She’s good for you. If I were you, I wouldn’t let her go so easily.”

Lexa sighs. “It’s more complicated than that. If it were up to me, she wouldn’t be leaving at all.”

Costia gives her a look. It’s the look she always used to give Lexa when she disapproved of something she was doing. Lexa misses it, even though it used to drive her crazy. “You deserve to be loved, Lexa. More than anyone else, _you_ deserve to be loved.” She pauses, giving Lexa a fond look. It makes Lexa’s heart ache. “And you love her. Since the day you first saw her, you loved her. It’s raw and it’s real and if I know it, then you must know it too.”

Costia, despite not being in a position of power like Lexa, always had a wisdom that far outshone her own. She had always been the voice of reason for Lexa, and she thinks that a lot of what drives her is the things that Costia taught her. She’s always in the back of her mind, subconsciously giving her advice and driving her towards the greater good. Lexa knows that she’s right on some level. Unfortunately, that level isn’t something she and Clarke can reach right now. Even if it’s true, and she’s no longer the Commander, Clarke still has a duty to her people. “I will do what is necessary, Costia. I will do what is right. It’s who I am.”

Costia sighs. “Maybe… you should start doing things for yourself, Lexa. Maybe you should stop carrying all of the things Titus has told you over the years on your shoulders. You and I both know that when it comes to love and attachments, you don’t have much say in the matter. When it happens, you can’t escape it. No matter how far away Clarke goes, you’ll always feel close to her.”

Lexa clenches her jaw, because _of course_ Costia is right. When Costia died, she never stopped feeling for her. If Clarke goes away, all she’ll do is worry about her. She can’t send any warriors to keep an eye on her, because they would be shot on sight by Pike or his people. She won’t know if she’s safe or not, and if anything happens to her, Lexa will blame herself. She won’t be able to protect her.

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Costia says, her free hand finding Lexa’s, “but all I want is your happiness. If Clarke makes you happy, which I know that she does, then you need to fight for her. Don’t let rules and traditions win. You have the opportunity to create a brand new world. One where you will be able to be the Commander, but also be with the one you love.”

Lexa frowns. It all sounds too good to be true. Nothing is ever that simple, she knows that. “Nothing is going to be the same when I wake up.”

Costia shakes her head. “That’s not true. You’re still the same person, Lexa, you’re just missing a title. But I believe in you. I hope you know that.”

Lexa finally smiles. “I do know that.”

“Okay,” Costia nods. “So, I think you should wake up and make me proud.”

Lexa frowns. The idea of leaving Costia isn’t exactly appealing to her. “I’m…”

“I’ll be here,” Costia promises, giving Lexa’s hand a squeeze. “You no longer have the spirit. You can dream of me whenever you’d like.”

Lexa’s comforted by that fact. Even if this isn’t real, even if this is all just in her head, at least she’ll have Costia here. In a place she hasn’t been able to see her for years.

“And you have to make Anya proud, too. If you die anytime soon, she won’t be too happy with you,” Costia adds with an amused smile.

Lexa smiles herself. She feels wistful thinking of Anya. She wonders if her former mentor would recognise — and be proud of — the woman she is today. The woman she has become ever since the Sky People landed on Earth. Clarke had told her of the various interactions she had with Anya before Lexa had met her. Lexa shouldn’t have been surprised that Clarke had managed to impress Anya. It seemed like everyone was impressed by Clarke in one way or another.

“Lexa, it’s time to go, okay?” Costia says softly. “The medicine they’re giving you is fighting the infection, you’re going to be alright. Your wound will eventually heal itself. You should start to feel stronger soon.”

Lexa nods. She knows she can’t live inside her own head forever. She has important matters to attend to in the real world. She has important people to go back to. “Okay.”

“I’ll be right here when you need me,” Costia promises. She leans in to press a soft kiss to Lexa’s cheek, but before Lexa can say anything in response, she’s gone.

Lexa’s chest immediately feels heavy at Costia’s absence. Losing her over and over, even if it’s all in her head, is not something she enjoys. Despite it not being real, she swears she can still feel Costia’s lips on her. But, there is a source of happiness waiting for her just on the other side. Clarke is waiting for her, and the thought makes her heart fill once more.

\------

Clarke doesn’t remember falling asleep.

She doesn’t even remember leaving Lexa’s room and collapsing face first on the lounge in the main room. She’s completely exhausted, and her entire body feels heavy. She couldn’t stay awake even if she wanted to. No matter how much she wanted to keep an eye on Lexa, her body just wouldn’t allow it.

When she does finally wake, however, she’s confused. At first, she doesn’t know where she is, but the sea breeze that hits her through the open window quickly refreshes her memory. The way the light is filtering into the room tells her that it’s morning. Did she sleep through a whole day and a whole night? No, that doesn’t seem right.

She tries her best to sit up, but her head is pounding and her vision blurs instantly. She squints slightly and she frowns because her clothes are sticking to her skin. She looks down and sees the blood covering them. Black blood.

Panic fills her entire body, and she feels the colour drain from her face. “Lexa,” she murmurs, making a move to stand up despite how light-headed she is. She stumbles over towards the hallway, and her hand hits the wall to support herself before she comes face to face with Octavia.

“Hey, you.” Octavia says, taking a moment to look her up and down. “God, you really do look like crap.”

Octavia’s smiling, and Clarke takes that to be a good sign. “Where’s Lexa? Is she okay?” Hours have passed since she fell asleep, and anything could have happened between then and now. Last time she had seen her, she was pale and unconscious, and she hopes she doesn’t find her in a similar state now.

Octavia’s smile becomes a smirk. “Come see for yourself.”

Octavia leads Clarke down the hallway towards Lexa’s room. Once they get there, Clarke sees that the door is slightly ajar, and she can hear people talking inside. When she opens the door, she sees that Ida, Luna and Aden are all in the room already.

The first thing Clarke notices is that Lexa’s not lying down. She’s propped up by a lot of pillows against the headboard, and it’s a vast improvement to seeing her lying on her bed bleeding out. She’s also wearing a different shirt. It’s loose and it’s black and it almost swallows her small frame. She certainly doesn’t _look_ like the Commander of the twelve clans anymore. She looks completely worn out, her hair and skin are still both blotched with her own dark blood. Her arm tattoo peeks out from underneath the shirt, and Clarke is instantly brought back to how warm and relaxed Lexa was when Clarke traced her fingers along it.

She remembers how Lexa tasted against her tongue, and the sounds of pleasure falling from her lips. She remembers the tears and the smiles and the whispers, and it all comes crashing down on her at once.

Clarke is able to pinpoint the exact moment when Lexa recognises that it’s her. Her eyes light up, as if it's automatic whenever she walks in the room. Clarke can see the relief washing over her face, and the blonde’s entire body suddenly feels light. If removing the chip erased anything, it wasn’t Lexa’s memory of Clarke. She still knows who she is. The heaviness that has been weighing down Clarke’s heart for almost two days finally lets up, and she almost feels giddy.

“Clarke,” Lexa says softly in greeting, and it’s everything Clarke needs to hear.

At first, Clarke doesn’t even notice, but as soon as her name leaves Lexa’s lips, tears fill her eyes. She’s sure a lot of it is because of the exhaustion, but she also knows that she has never felt this overwhelmed with relief before. She’s so used to disappointment, especially since landing on Earth. She’s used to the pain; it’s even hardened her to some degree. Even though Ida had told her that Lexa was going to be okay, it was nothing compared to seeing her with her eyes open.

Clarke ignores the fact that there are four other people in the room. To Clarke, Lexa is the only one there. Every step she takes is another stitch that’s holding her heart together, and she has a feeling that this time, it might hold on for a little while. She crosses the room quickly and before she knows it, she’s throwing her arms around Lexa’s shoulders. She can feel Lexa wince due the force of the action, but her arms hold Clarke just as tight.

“It’s okay,” Lexa whispers as soon as Clarke crashes into her arms. Her voice is cracked from exhaustion and the dark circles under her eyes are unlike anything Clarke has ever seen. Although it’s likely causing her a great deal of pain, Lexa still holds her tightly, because that’s what Clarke needs. Lexa’s always looking out for her, even when it causes her discomfort. “It’s okay. I’m right here.”

Clarke lets out a loud sob, and it feels like something she’s been holding in for hours. Maybe she has, but actually _seeing_ Lexa is what triggers it to come out. She’s trembling, and Lexa’s arms are the only thing keeping her steady. She hears Lexa say something to the other people in the room, but she’s not paying too much attention to it. All she can focus on is Lexa’s warmth. She’s _alive_ , and even if she smells like the horrible Grounder medicine they’ve been giving her for days, Clarke still clings to her even tighter.

“Clarke, you’re shaking,” Lexa murmurs, and that just causes Clarke to sob harder. Lexa’s hands rub up and down her back, and Clarke never wants to let go of her again.

“I lost you,” Clarke whispers, her hands fisting the fabric of Lexa’s shirt. “You were gone.”

“No,” Lexa says, attempting to pull back from Clarke. Clarke clings to Lexa’s upper arms but avoids looking her in the eyes. Lexa reaches up slowly, her fingers ghosting against Clarke’s jawline. “You didn’t lose me, Clarke. I’m right here.”

Clarke attempts to rein in her emotions, but fails. She looks around and notices that everyone who was in the room before is now gone. Now she realises that when Lexa was speaking, she was asking for privacy. Clarke feels much more comfortable speaking her mind when they’re alone. “ _You_ gave up. You were willing to just let yourself die right in front of me. You shielded me from a bullet and then you just… you _died_. You were ready to just… let it happen.” She’s trying to hold back her tears, but the effort is causing her entire body to tremble, and the droplets still leak from her eyes.

Lexa’s face falls, and her expression is one of heartbreak. Clarke can tell Lexa hates seeing her like this. Clarke doesn’t realise just how much Lexa’s death would have destroyed her until right now. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, and the apology is not unlike the one she had made when Clarke held the knife to Lexa’s throat a couple of weeks ago. It makes Clarke sick to think that she once thought she wanted her dead. That she had threatened her life on multiple occasions, and that she had spent so much time trying to hate her. She wasted so much of the time they could have spent together. She hates _herself_ for that.

Clarke only looks at her. Her eyes are bright from the tears, but they’re also filled with untapped rage. She’s angry at Lexa. She really is. Lexa can’t just jump in front of bullets and then choose to leave her. She can’t just look at her and kiss her and touch her the way she had only twenty minutes before and then _die_ on her. Clarke won’t allow that, and she won’t let Lexa get away with trying.

Clarke closes the gap between them quickly, and the force pushes Lexa back against the pillows. Lexa’s jaw clenches from the pain in her abdomen, but she doesn’t say anything. Clarke’s lips find hers in a messy kiss, and she brings her hand to the back of Lexa’s neck in order to keep her in position. Her fingers curl into her hair and as she sucks heavily on her lower lip, a familiar sound forms in the back of Lexa’s throat. The sound only makes Clarke press her lips harder against hers.

As the kiss continues, Clarke feels herself becoming emotional again. She slows down the kiss, revelling in the feeling of Lexa’s mouth — something she wasn’t sure she was going to experience ever again. She’s crying again, and she can’t help the quiet whimpers that escape her. Lexa’s hand cups her face, and Clarke feels like this is the goodbye all over again, but it’s _not_. She doesn’t have to leave this time, she doesn’t have to say goodbye, and Clarke is overwhelmed by it.

When she pulls away, her breathing is heavy, and she suddenly feels very exposed and vulnerable. She’s still crying, and Lexa’s looking at her like she’s the most fragile thing on Earth. Clarke hates feeling this way, but at the same time, she knows she needs looking after every once in a while. Lexa is gentle with her, and is the last person who would ever judge her. Clarke has never felt safer with anyone.

“You do that to me ever again, and I swear to God, Lexa…” Clarke shakes her head in an attempt to rid herself of the tears. “I swear to God, I will kill you myself.”

“I would never leave you willingly,” Lexa murmurs quietly. She’s still flustered by the kiss, and her eyes move from her lips to her eyes. “Not again.”

“Then _why_? Why would you tell me to let you go?” Clarke asks. Despite the intensity of her gaze, her lower lip is still trembling.

“I didn’t think that you would fight so hard,” Lexa whispers. “I didn’t think you would go to those lengths just to save me. Nobody fights for me, Clarke.”

“ _I_ do,” Clarke insists, taking Lexa’s hands in her own, giving them a tight squeeze. “ _I_ fight for you. And I’ll continue to fight for you, even when you don’t want me to anymore.”

Lexa blinks and her lips part. She doesn’t have a response, but Clarke continues to watch her intently. Lexa’s eyebrows crease. “I have never met anybody so stubborn in my entire life.”

A smile creeps up on Clarke’s face. “Good,” she replies quietly, her voice breaking slightly. “I would hate to be outdone by anyone.”

Her words cause Lexa to smile, too, before her gaze drops to their hands. “Thank you, though,” she says gently. “For fighting for me.”

Clarke’s expression is soft as she looks at Lexa. She doesn’t mean for it to be a loving gaze, but she has a feeling it turns out that way regardless.

\------

Once Luna returns to change Lexa’s bandage, Lexa insists that Clarke get something to eat and change her clothes. If it were up to Clarke, she wouldn’t leave Lexa’s side for the rest of the day, but Lexa probably doesn’t need to see her covered in her own blood. It’s also a good chance for Clarke to get her emotions together.

Luna leads Clarke to one of the back rooms of the house, which happens to be a decent-sized bathroom. The baths in Lexa’s tower were maintained by her handmaidens, so she’s always wondered how they work. Luna explains to her that there’s a lake a few miles inland, hidden by the trees, which is where they get the majority of their fresh water from. She also says that’s where she plans to hide the group once Lexa is able to move. It has Clarke curious, but she doesn’t ask any more questions about it.

Luna then hands her clean clothes before shutting the door behind her. This is the first time Clarke has been completely alone since Lexa was shot, and now she doesn’t know what to do with herself. The room is warm due to the heat used to warm the water, and Clarke can’t help but feel safe. She knows it takes a while for the water to heat, so until then, she spends the time untangling the braids from her hair. She almost cringes as she touches it; she’s not sure who let her go this long without washing her hair.

Once she rids herself of her bloodstained clothes, she steps into the tub, sighing immediately at the warmth that fills her body. There are various bottles and jars on a table beside the tub which Clarke assumes to be forms of soap. If the Grounders here could create mix ingredients together to create great medicines, then she’s sure the soaps would be just as good. For now, she’s content to just sit and soak, letting the hot water drain the negative emotions from her body.

She closes her eyes, the back of her neck resting against the cool surface of the tub. She hasn’t been able to relax like this in months — maybe even at all since she landed on the ground. She sinks until her head is under the water, and suddenly, it’s silent. She loses herself in the feeling until she needs air and returns to the surface.

She looks towards the bottles sitting on the table. She grabs a few of them, opening the tops and bringing them to her nose. One smells like fruit, one smells like flowers, another smells fresh, like some sort of herb. She takes the one that smells like flowers and starts lathering it into her hair. Her hair has grown incredibly long since arriving on the ground, and a part of her likes it that way. Lexa’s handmaidens had been the ones to first braid her hair properly when arriving in Polis, as they were preparing for the summit. The summit felt like a lifetime ago. They had all gained and lost so much since then.

Clarke stays in the tub until the water starts to cool. Once she steps out, she grabs the cloth towel Luna has left for her, and she dries herself. She feels infinitely more relaxed, which is something she never thought she’d be able to say whilst on the ground. A part of her wouldn’t mind staying here forever. Across the ocean, it feels like they’re a whole world away. But Clarke also knows that the gnawing guilt and sense of duty inside of them would eat both her and Lexa alive. Sitting back and doing nothing just isn’t who either of them are.

Sighing heavily, she grabs her dirty clothes and leaves the bathroom. She’s already anxious to check up on Lexa again, but she knows Lexa won’t let her in the room until she’s eaten something. Clarke decides that she’ll obey her just this once.

\------

When Clarke finally returns to Lexa’s room after her meal, she sees the brunette swallow noticeably at her appearance.

Lexa never had been good at hiding the way she felt about Clarke. At first, Clarke had been too dense (and far too focused on freeing her people from Mount Weather) to see it, but once she had kissed her for the first time, it was like everything came crashing down at once. Now, Clarke can’t get enough of the way Lexa looks at her, because she knows nobody else has that much warmth in their eyes. Nobody else will ever look at her in that way. It’s truly special, and she secretly savours every second of it.

Clarke’s hair is still slightly damp, and despite her drying it to the best of her ability, it has created a small damp patch on the back of the clothes Luna has given her. Tight black pants and a grey shirt. She leaves her boots outside Lexa’s door; she’ll clean those later. She hasn’t been barefoot since the Ark. She hasn’t done a lot of things since the Ark, and she’s overcome with the freedom.

Lexa looks soft. She’s sitting there with her hands in her lap. There’s a book lying face down next to her. Clarke had noticed in Polis just how much Lexa likes to read, and it’s almost endearing to her. She knows Lexa is intelligent; intelligent enough to be the Commander of twelve Grounder clans. But Clarke’s learned that she’s also smart in other ways.

The bed is large, so it will allow Clarke to sit there with her. An image of her and Lexa lying there together flashes through her head. Lexa’s got her book, and Clarke’s sketching on paper. Sketching _her_.

Clarke likes that image a little too much.

“You know,” Clarke starts, approaching the bed, “you really shouldn’t be sitting up. You’re not going to heal if you don’t rest,” she tells her, coming to a stop at the bed. She’s cautious about using the words ‘heal’ and ‘rest’, because she’s not sure what the plan is. The future is completely unknown to them now. Lexa being the Commander was a huge part of her security blanket, and now she isn’t sure what to expect.

“I’m allowed to sit up unless I’m experiencing any discomfort,” Lexa tells her matter-of-factly.

Clarke rolls her eyes. “But it _is_ causing you discomfort. I can see it on your face.”

Lexa sighs, and Clarke smiles. She knows her all too well. But, Clarke won’t force her; she’ll learn the hard way. Lexa gaze returns to Clarke’s face. “You bathed.”

“Very observant.”

Lexa’s lips twitch upwards, but only for a moment. She gestures towards the space in front of her. “Sit. Face your back towards me.”

Clarke raises an eyebrow. “…Why?”

Lexa looks at her, an amused glint in her eyes. “Just sit, Clarke.”

Clarke cautiously obeys. She turns and sits down on the bed, crossing her legs in front of her. She turns her head slightly so she can see Lexa out of the corner of her eye. She watches Lexa lean over towards the table beside the bed. She opens a drawer and pulls out a small box, no bigger than the palm of her hand. Clarke furrows her eyebrows. “What are you doing?”

“Patience.”

Clarke huffs. She’s not a patient person, and Lexa knows this. She turns back around so that she’s facing away from her. Clarke hears her open the box and before she knows it, Lexa’s touching her hair. Her shoulders drop instantly at the action. Somehow, Lexa’s touch can always relax her. She can’t really tell what Lexa’s doing until she feels pieces of her hair twisting around each other. “Braids,” Clarke realises with a soft sigh.

Lexa’s silent for a long time, but Clarke doesn’t mind. She closes her eyes and allows herself to enter a relaxed state for the second time that day. She knows she could easily fall asleep with Lexa’s hands weaving through her hair. Clarke tries not to think about her slender fingers touching her the way they had just a few days ago. It feels like another world and another time. Despite that, she finds herself craving the feeling. Craving _Lexa_.

The rhythm of Lexa tugging lightly on her hair lulls Clarke’s mind to numbness. Clarke had just assumed that Lexa’s handmaidens did her braids each time; she certainly didn’t expect Lexa to be adept at the skill herself. At the same time, she’s not too surprised. Lexa seems to be good at everything she attempts.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks quietly, and it’s then Clarke realises that she hasn’t said anything either. “I know this has been an ordeal for you.”

Clarke can’t help but smile. “Lexa…”

“Yes?”

“You almost die and you’re asking if _I’m_ okay?” Clarke asks, turning her head so she can look at Lexa. The amused smile on her lips hasn’t faded, and she holds Lexa’s gaze when she speaks again. “I’m okay now. I am.”

Lexa lets out a heavy breath, like she’s been holding it in all day. “Good. I know Titus was trying to hurt you. I was hoping he hadn’t succeeded.”

“Hey,” Clarke says softly, turning her body so she can get a better look at Lexa. “You better not be blaming yourself for this, Lexa. Titus was wrong. He was always wrong. About you, and about us.”

Lexa swallows, and Clarke can tell she’s becoming emotional. Her voice is only a whisper when she speaks again, “I think he hurt Costia.”

Clarke’s eyebrows shoot up. She remembers the conversation she had with Luna. It makes her feel uneasy. “What makes you say that?”

“His job is to be the voice in the Commander’s ear. To protect our traditions,” Lexa explains. “Where the Commanders were alone and blood always had blood. I broke the rules with Costia, and again even more so with you. He tried to hurt you for that, so who’s to say he didn’t do it to Costia as well?”

Clarke frowns, but she knows Lexa has a point. When Luna had expressed her concerns, it made sense, and now it was even clearer to her. “He didn’t even try to save you, Lexa. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had his own agenda. Maybe… maybe getting you out of the way was his plan.”

“You think he shot me on purpose?”

“No, but I think it was convenient for him to let you die. If you’re out of the way, a new Commander steps in. Someone brand new for him to sink his claws into. Someone who may preserve the old ways because he tells them to.”

Lexa’s head drops, her eyes screwing shut. “Octavia told me. About the spirit.” Her voice is quiet, and Clarke’s heart sinks. “I assumed that I was no longer Commander when I woke up here instead of in Polis, but…”

Clarke turns back around immediately and clenches her jaw. She had hoped to ease her into that herself. She can feel tears welling in her eyes because it’s _her fault_ that Lexa is no longer the Commander and now there’s nothing she can do about it.

“Clarke…?” Lexa asks, leaning slightly in an attempt to get a look at Clarke’s face.

Clarke’s voice cracks. “I’m sorry. I should’ve tried harder… I’m sorry.”

“No, Clarke,” Lexa murmurs, and when Clarke doesn’t turn around, she reaches over and places her hand on her arm. “Stop.”

Clarke turns and Lexa’s already waiting for her. She relents, because she’s exhausted and she’s so tired of feeling everything on her own. She’s tired of feeling this way and having nobody to turn to when everything becomes overwhelming. For once, she just wants someone to hold her and to comfort her. Sometimes she just wants to fall apart, and sometimes she needs someone to help her. She’s not invincible, and she’s tired of pretending that she is. So she lets Lexa hold her.

Clarke falls into her arms, and Lexa’s touch is gentle. She’s always so gentle. “This is not your fault,” she murmurs softly. “Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I would never blame you for any of this.” She doesn’t do anything else except hold her, and it’s exactly what Clarke needs.

Suddenly, Lexa lets out a stifled groan and Clarke pulls back in panic. Lexa moves her hands to clutch at her abdomen. “No, that’s it.” Clarke shakes her head. “You’re definitely lying down.” She arranges the pillows behind Lexa so that she’ll be propped up slightly, before lowering her body down on the bed. Lexa gasps, her back arching slightly from the pain. “Okay, okay,” Clarke whispers. “You’re okay. Just relax.”

Lexa settles back against the bed, and Clarke takes the opportunity to lift up Lexa’s shirt. There’s no blood to be seen, so at least the wound hasn’t reopened. She prods around the edge of the large bandage until she’s satisfied.

“How long have you been awake for? There’s no way you should be sitting up for this long,” Clarke scolds, shaking her head as she lowers Lexa’s shirt again. She’s not sure if this is Luna’s doing, or if Lexa is just being stubborn. She knows it’s most likely the latter.

“I woke up yesterday.”

“And nobody thought about waking me up?” Clarke asks, eyebrow raised. “I slept all day and night.”

“I told them not to disturb you.”

Clarke sighs, running a hand through her own hair. “Of course you did.”

Lexa looks up at her. Her gaze is soft yet again, and Clarke can’t be annoyed at her for letting her rest. The way Lexa looks at her makes everything else melt away. Suddenly, nothing else is important except her. It’s a dangerous way to think in this world, Clarke knows that, but she can’t help the way Lexa makes her feel. And she certainly can’t help wanting to act on those feelings.

“We were worried,” Clarke says suddenly, and she decides to avoid Lexa’s eyes as she speaks. “ _I_ was worried. That maybe that _thing_ — the spirit — would take something with it when it left your body. Parts of you.”

Lexa watches her carefully, choosing not to say anything until Clarke has finished.

“I thought… that maybe your memory would be compromised. Or your personality. We don’t know anything about it. I was worried about what it might mean.” Clarke watches Lexa as she speaks, and she suddenly feels silly for bringing it up at all. It sounded valid in her head, but when it comes out of her mouth, it sounds juvenile to her. “And… when you woke up briefly, in the cart, you said you couldn’t remember anything about what happened to you.”

Lexa frowns, and Clarke was correct in assuming that she wouldn’t remember that particular moment.

“I think I just… I want to know if there’s anything missing,” Clarke says slowly. A part of her doesn’t want to know. She’s not sure if she can handle this on top of everything else. “If there’s anything you can’t remember.”

Lexa seems lost in thought before she replies. “Clarke… If taking the spirit away had taken my memories with it, I assume that it would have only taken away memories that are related to me being the Commander. Being with you had nothing to do with me being the Commander. The person that I am when I’m with you is the furthest thing from being the Commander that I could possibly be.”

Clarke swallows. The admittance makes a lump form in her throat. “So…” she starts slowly, “you remember everything?”

A small smile creeps up on Lexa’s face, despite the seriousness of the discussion. “With you? Every second.” She looks at Clarke fondly, and it quickly reassures Clarke. “But after I was shot? I only remember pieces.”

Clarke nods slowly. She had been worried about asking Lexa _that_ particular question, because she didn’t want to be the only one who remembered the beautiful moments they had shared together right before everything had changed. After all that they had been through, Clarke didn’t need to add Lexa’s memory loss on top of that pile. It seems like every time they have a happy moment, it is snatched away just as quickly, and it comforts Clarke to know that they are beginning to recover from this disaster. Clarke had a suspicion that the chip didn’t erase her memories, but she’s never been happier to have confirmation.

Lexa sighs, and Clarke’s attention is immediately turned back towards her.

“What is it?”

“Recalling... us,” Lexa says quietly. “Recalling what brought it on in the first place. We were saying goodbye to each other, Clarke.”

Clarke narrows her eyes. “And?” She doesn’t want to think about saying goodbye to Lexa. Not again.

“We can’t ignore that just because I was hurt,” Lexa reasons. “You should really think about going back to your people, Clarke,” she tells her. “They still need you just as much as they did before I was hurt.”

Clarke sighs. That’s not even a fathomable concept to her anymore. “Lexa…”

“I don’t want you to regret not being there for them,” Lexa says. “You’re their true leader — not Pike or Kane or Bellamy — and they need your help. Just because I can’t be there for my people anymore, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there for yours.”

Clarke’s immediate reaction is an overwhelming feeling of frustration, because she knows Lexa is only trying to push her away. Which is ridiculous, she thinks, because Clarke is the one person she can trust. Clarke has already seen Lexa as vulnerable as she can possibly be; Lexa no longer needs to protect herself in front of Clarke. “Tell me that you want me to go and then I’ll leave,” she challenges her, raising an eyebrow. “Tell me that you don’t want me here anymore and I’ll go back to Arkadia.” She knows it’s unfair, because Lexa would never say it, but she needs Lexa to do something for herself for a change.

Lexa stays silent, but her eyes never leave Clarke’s. She parts her lips slightly as if she’s going to speak, but nothing comes out. Her posture is rigid, but her eyes give away every single emotion she’s feeling. As Clarke expects, she doesn’t say anything.

“Tell me what _you_ want,” Clarke insists. “Not what your people need or what my people need. What _you_ want.”

Lexa swallows before blinking a few times. Despite everything they’ve done and everything they’ve been through together, Lexa still gets nervous in her presence. It completely floors Clarke. The effect she has on her is something she never thought possible. She never thought that she would be this special to anyone. She doesn’t want Lexa to be scared of _talking_ to her. Lexa’s voice is quiet when she speaks again, “I’m never going to want you to leave. You know that.”

Despite the fact that Lexa is right, and Clarke already knows it, she feels her heart fill again at the words. She reaches over, taking Lexa’s hands in her own. “We’re a team, Lexa, and I think we’ve proven that we make a pretty good one.” She offers Lexa a smile. “Helping you get back on that throne is going to help my people much more than going back to Arkadia and attempting to fight the next Commander,” she tells her, before pausing. She lowers her voice, “And I want to be here for you, so please let me.”

Lexa holds her gaze, and the intensity of it makes Clarke’s heart flutter. Lexa is very good at nonverbal communication; nobody has ever made Clarke feel as much with just one look before.

Lexa swallows again, and as soon as Clarke realises she’s attempting to swallow her feelings, she places a hand on her arm. “Hey.” Her thumb brushes gently along the smooth skin. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Lexa doesn’t answer immediately, but Clarke continues to look at her until she does. “Stay,” she finally whispers. It’s one word, but it’s enough for Clarke’s entire demeanour to change. She blinks a few times, allowing her shoulders to relax. Lexa wants her here, and that’s all there is to it.

Clarke’s lips turn upwards in a small smile. “In this room, or in general?” She teases.

Clarke’s goal is achieved when Lexa smiles in response. “Both.”

\------

“I dreamt about her,” Lexa murmurs, shifting against the pillows in an attempt to get more comfortable.

Clarke had insisted that Lexa needed to get as much rest as possible, and since she told her she wasn’t leaving, she decided to make herself comfortable too. The bed is rather large, so Clarke is able to fit snugly by Lexa’s side without touching and further injuring her. Clarke lies on her side, watching every one of Lexa’s facial expressions. Sometimes she feels like she’s completely intoxicated by her, and she has no idea how or when this feeling came about.

Clarke furrows her eyebrows in confusion as she leans her head against Lexa’s arm. “Who?”

“Costia,” Lexa says quietly. “She told me to not let go of you, and that we should fight this together.”

Clarke smiles lazily. She’s feeling sleepy, but Lexa’s words still sink in. It makes her happy to know that Costia is still able to bring Lexa comfort. “It sounds like she was very smart. Even in your dreams.”

“She was,” Lexa confirms, a small smile of her own appearing. “I… haven’t dreamt since I became Commander. The spirit takes control of your thoughts, even subconscious ones. Once the spirit was taken away, it freed my mind. I am free to dream without past Commanders taking control.”

Clarke turns her head so she can look at Lexa. “You really haven’t had a single dream since then?”

Lexa shakes her head. “Only the ones dictated by past Commanders.”

Clarke reaches over slowly, taking Lexa’s hand in her own. Lexa watches her movements, keeping her eyes trained on their hands. “What happens if you reclaim your position as Commander? You’ll lose that all over again.”

Lexa doesn’t hesitate to reply. “If that is the price I must pay, then so be it.”

“Victory stands on the back of sacrifice,” Clarke murmurs, echoing Lexa’s own words from what feels like a lifetime ago. She doesn’t think it’s fair at all; Lexa has sacrificed enough already. She deserves a victory after all of this suffering. Clarke knows that a part of her is saying it for herself. No matter what she decides, she’s always choosing one thing at the expense of another.

“It’s nice to know you actually listen to the things I tell you.”

Clarke lifts her head again so she’s looking at Lexa. A light smirk decorates her face, and Clarke itches to capture it on paper.

(Clarke itches to capture _all_ of Lexa on paper.)

She continues to study her features for a moment before speaking again, her voice a barely-audible whisper, “I’m happy that you’re here.”

She doesn’t need to say any more for Lexa to know what she’s referring to. The brunette’s smirk falls away in an instant, and she uses her hand to gesture for Clarke to come closer. Once Clarke is in reach, she leans forward, placing a feather-light kiss on Clarke’s forehead. Clarke closes her eyes in order to make sure she’s not focused on anything other than Lexa’s lips. She misses the feeling as soon as Lexa pulls away, but Clarke only leans in closer to her.

Lexa allows Clarke’s lips to meet hers, and it’s as tender as their first kiss had been many months ago. Lexa is almost hesitant with her actions, like she’s unsure of what it all means. Clarke takes the lead, pressing her lips harder against Lexa’s. It’s a promise, and it’s one that Clarke intends to keep. Once Clarke pulls away, she holds Lexa’s shy gaze for a few moments, before settling back down by her side.

Lexa’s firm, but so, so soft all at once. She makes Clarke feel safe just by looking at her, but vulnerability shines brightly in her eyes. Only when Clarke is around, though. Nobody else will ever see a hint of it. Clarke feels as if the storm has calmed, even though she knows that isn’t the case. The storm is just far away — in another world — and she finally has a moment to breathe. She has a moment to let her feelings for Lexa catch up to her.

Lexa must have felt her physically relax, because she turns her head to look at her. “If you’re okay, then I’m okay, too.”

Clarke smiles, squeezing Lexa’s hand a little tighter. She doesn’t say anything more; she’s too tired to articulate her thoughts properly. She has a million questions, a million worries, and she feels like there’s a million things that still need to be sorted through, but at the moment, she’s okay with all of it. Just a couple of days ago, she didn’t even think she’d have Lexa. Now, here she is, feeling the warmth of Lexa’s body at her side, and wondering how she managed to go this long without it.

Clarke falls asleep with Lexa’s fingers still loosely intertwined with hers.

\------

While Clarke sleeps, Lexa reads. Her hand doesn’t leave Clarke’s.

Occasionally, she looks down to check on her. Lexa’s quite sure she’s never seen the blonde so peaceful before. Having Clarke here, and knowing that she’s safe, is all Lexa needs to be okay. Being the Commander is important to her, of course, but there isn’t much she can do about it when she can’t even stand up. She knows she needs time to heal, so right now, her immediate concern is Clarke. Her wellbeing is something Lexa is committed to.

Clarke lets out a particularly heavy sigh in her sleep, interrupting Lexa’s thoughts. Lexa smiles immediately. She doesn’t remember a time when she wasn’t completely enamoured by the girl.

A light knock on the door reminds Lexa that she and Clarke aren’t actually alone, and that she needs to wipe the silly smile off her face before anyone sees it.

Sometimes she forgets there are other people around. It’s all too easy with Clarke.

Lexa doesn’t speak in case it wakes Clarke, but the person peeks their head through the door regardless. It’s Octavia. She hovers in the doorway, and Lexa watches her intently until she speaks.

“Luna wanted me to check on you. See if you needed anything.” Octavia’s eyes land on Clarke, who is essentially curled into Lexa’s side. They’re still holding each other’s hands, and she knows Octavia would be teasing them to no end if it wasn’t Lexa she was standing in front of.

“We’re okay,” Lexa says. A beat of silence follows before her voice lowers in volume, “Thank you, though.”

Octavia seems taken aback by Lexa’s thanks. Lexa is no longer the Commander, so she no longer needs to act like she’s above everyone else. Still, she finds it best to keep her walls up at all times. She won’t let anyone be privy to her weaknesses. Octavia waits for a moment before sticking her head out the door, as if she’s checking if the coast is clear. She takes a cautious step inside the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Lexa watches her curiously, but doesn’t speak. She can’t say she trusts Octavia completely yet, but if Clarke trusts her with all of this, then she will give her a chance.

“So,” Octavia starts, leaning against the closed door behind her. She looks towards Clarke’s sleeping form before her eyes return to Lexa again. The glint of determination in Octavia’s eyes should have been Lexa’s first warning sign. “What’s the plan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6,000 hits on the first chapter?! Actually insane. And the comments! You guys are lovely, and I really enjoy reading your thoughts. This one’s a tiny bit shorter than the last, and I'm not really sure how I feel about it personally, but hopefully you guys enjoyed it!
> 
> Shit’s gonna get real next chapter, so prepare yourselves. ;)


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa are sickeningly cute. Aden, Clarke and Lexa are literally a mini family. Aunt Octavia is pretty much the greatest person alive.

A few days later, Clarke’s found in the exact same position.

She spends her nights with Lexa, curled into her side. It’s as close as she can get without hurting her, but a part of her wants to know what it’s like to _really_ hold or be held by her. She won’t push it, though. She _can’t_ push it. The medical side of her knows that Lexa needs space to rest, but both her heart and her body are craving the closeness. Soon, she hopes, but for now, she’s content to let Lexa’s body heal itself.

They’re still rather cautious around each other. Clarke doesn’t want to push any boundaries when it comes to the two of them physically. They’ll share glances and touches mostly, but Clarke can see that Lexa is worried about the events transpiring back in Polis, and she doesn’t want to overwhelm her. She just wants to be there for her. There’s too much going on right now for them to be focusing on their relationship — whatever that may be.

Clarke isn’t with Lexa much during the day anyway, and that’s more Lexa’s decision than Clarke’s. She tries as hard as she can to force her to ‘go outside and spend some time in the sun’. Clarke just thinks that Lexa wants to be alone, so she obeys.

Clarke spends her time gathering supplies for Lexa with Ida and Aden and exploring the surrounding areas with Octavia. She makes sure to not come into contact with any of the Floudonkru residents, which proves difficult at first. As Wanheda, she would be recognised immediately. There are many more citizens of the village than Clarke initially thought, but eventually, she learns the back roads through the trees and to the river. There’s a significant amount of cover there, and there’s no way to see the village, so it’s where she spends time when she needs air.

Clarke checks Lexa’s wound as often as she can. It’s healing slowly, but there haven’t been any more complications. The Grounder medicine that Luna insists on giving her includes herbs that are supposed to speed up the healing process. The scientific part of her brain doesn’t understand much outside the realm of modern medicine they used on the Ark, but after all this time, she still doesn’t know too much about Earth. They _did_ see a two-headed deer on their first day here, so she’s sure that just about anything is possible.

Luna recommends that she take baby steps in order to get back on her feet. Clarke knows she’s still in pain, and she can tell Lexa is going crazy. She knows that the only thing keeping Lexa from taking back the throne is her injury, and the longer she takes to heal, the more damage that will be done under the new Commander’s rule. She needs to be at peak physical condition. She needs to be able to _fight_.

Clarke knows it could take _months_ for her to heal completely, but they just don’t have that kind of time.

She just hopes that Luna’s medicine is enough to sustain her, because Clarke knows that Lexa isn’t going to adhere to any limitations. Clarke could give her medical advice until she’s blue in the face, but when it comes to Lexa’s people, Lexa won’t budge.

Even without the Commander title, Lexa still feels a sense of duty to her people. Clarke finds that admirable, even if Lexa’s determination frustrates her.

Regardless of how stubborn she finds Lexa, Clarke still ends up in her bed every single night without fail. They’ve had a couple of arguments, especially about Lexa wanting to speed up her recovery as much as possible. The disputes never get too heated, because Clarke knows that Lexa is going through something awful, but she still stands her ground. She knows that Lexa could very easily open up her wound again and cause even more damage to herself. She just doesn’t want her to get hurt again, and Lexa knows that. Their disagreements don’t go anywhere, but Clarke’s just glad to be able to have them with Lexa.

Clarke will just sigh and curl up next to her, because bickering feels so petty and she’s just come so close to losing her that she doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. Lexa still holds her hand, and she’ll whisper quiet apologies, because she is sorry — they’re _both_ sorry — but once again, they have different opinions, and it’s messy.

The great thing about them, though, is that they always work it out. There’s always a compromise, and it might take them a while, but they always find it.

Clarke’s becoming increasingly worried as the days pass. The more days that go by, the sooner it is until the Conclave ends and Polis will announce the new Commander. It’s causing her to stress, so it’s no surprise that her sleep is beginning to suffer because of it.

She’s been having a few nightmares here and there. Technically, she’s been having them frequently since Mount Weather, but they often change in nature. On the nights in Polis when things were settled, she usually didn’t have them, so she knows that they’re largely caused by the weight of everything crashing down around her. The stress and the pressure and the constant worrying about everyone else.

Lexa’s presence helps, she knows that, but sometimes she wishes the brunette could crawl inside her mind and fight against the darkness. Clarke knows she would win. Lexa always wins.

Except, for the past few nights, her nightmares have been _about_ Lexa. Lexa dying, over and over and over again. In her dreams, Clarke’s unable to save her, or the healers don’t make it in time, or Titus shoots her multiple times. In short, Lexa dies and Clarke’s helpless. If there’s anything she hates, it’s being helpless.

This nightmare is particularly bad. It’s almost as if she can feel her pulse quickening, thudding violently against her ribcage. She can’t hear anything, because the blood is pounding so loudly in her ears. Lexa’s lying on the bed again, and she’s bleeding out. Titus and Murphy and Ida are there, but there’s nothing they can do. She bleeds, and she attempts to talk to Clarke. She’s trying to say goodbye — _again_ — but if Clarke hears it one more time, she’s sure she’s going to break.

All she can hear is Lexa’s words ringing in her ears over and over again, and it’s enough to pull her out of her slumber.

Clarke jolts upright in Lexa’s bed, gripping the furs beside her with both hands. She’s breathing heavily, and it takes her turning her head to look at Lexa for her to realise that it was, once again, all just a dream.

The sudden movement causes Lexa to stir, and she opens her eyes slowly, a quiet mumble escaping her lips. When she sees that Clarke is sitting up, she reaches over and takes her hand wordlessly. Lexa’s hand is warm, and the action causes Clarke’s own hand to relax against the furs. Lexa doesn’t say anything, and it’s Clarke who first breaks the silence.

“It’s okay,” she murmurs, and her voice is hoarse. “Just go back to sleep.”

Lexa only continues to watch her, rubbing her thumb slowly over the back of Clarke’s hand. Clarke should’ve known that she wasn’t going to let this go. The other nightmares she’s had over the past few nights were tame compared to this one. Lexa’s death had never felt more real to her, aside from when it was actually happening before her eyes.

“I just…” Clarke starts, letting out a long sigh before her voice drops to a whisper, “I can’t keep watching you die.”

Lexa squeezes her hand in response and Clarke looks over at her. The room is covered in a soft, moonlit glow, but Clarke can only really see shadows of Lexa’s face. Despite that, Clarke doesn’t need to see her to know that she’s concerned about her.

“It’s just easier to stay awake because at least you’re _here_ and you’re not…” Clarke sighs again, and when she looks back over at Lexa, the brunette has her arm held out for her. Clarke doesn’t hesitate to let herself fall into Lexa’s arms. It’s a slightly awkward position, because Lexa’s not really supposed to move or have any pressure on her abdomen, but they make it work.

Lexa’s free hand finds Clarke’s, and she plays with her fingers. She’s so gentle that Clarke barely feels her. “It seems that all I do is cause you pain,” she says quietly.

Her words are unexpected to Clarke. She’s still not used to Lexa being so open about her thoughts and feelings. Clarke lifts her head so she can look at her. “Any pain you’ve caused has come from you leaving. Or almost leaving. But when you’re here…” She gives her hand a gentle squeeze. “When you’re here, everything makes sense. I feel... whole.”

Clarke can hear Lexa swallow. “I didn’t know.”

“I know,” Clarke whispers, lifting herself slightly so she can place a kiss on Lexa’s jawline. “We’re both here now, though.”

“And you’re okay?”

Clarke nods slightly, because she _is_ okay, but she’s also terrified of living in a world without Lexa. Especially if it’s a world where she has the ability to save her. And it terrifies her even more that she relies so much on Lexa to the point where she has these thoughts constantly. Sometimes she wishes she could just be alone. Heartless. Cold as stone. But there’s far too much love in her heart, and she knows Lexa can relate to that feeling. She buries her face into Lexa’s side and her body instinctively curls in order to be close to her.

The warmth of Lexa’s body calms her enough so she can fall into a deep sleep. If she dreams for the rest of the night, she certainly doesn’t remember it when she wakes up.

\------

The next morning is rather peaceful, and that should’ve set alarm bells off in Clarke’s head straight away. Peaceful in this world was far too good to be true.

A thin layer of fog coats the village in the early morning, and Clarke takes the opportunity to go outside and sit on the clifftop. Until the fog clears, nobody down below will be able to see that anyone’s sitting up there. Her bright blonde hair would normally be a dead giveaway, but for the first time since she was a runaway in the woods, she has some semblance of isolation.

She hates being alone, she really does. Especially after Mount Weather. But sometimes being in Lexa’s room makes her feel like she’s suffocating. She should be dead, but she’s not, and it overwhelms Clarke to the point where she can no longer breathe. And yet, her chest feels even tighter when she leaves her in the morning than when she chooses to stay.

She knows she just needs time to heal. Like Lexa needs to recover physically, Clarke needs to heal emotionally. Although, in this world, there’s never enough time for anything. Everything happens too fast, and most of the time, Clarke’s left in the dust.

Seeing Lexa’s face helps, though. That’s something Clarke’s certain of.

She’s exhausted from lack of sleep as she trudges back towards the house. Luna makes them all breakfast every morning, and Clarke knows that the routine should relax her. But there’s nothing relaxing about knowing the Conclave is happening and that Titus is running around, furious, because they essentially kidnapped Lexa, and that a new Commander is about to take Lexa’s place. There’s nothing relaxing about knowing that not only her people, but both Lexa and her own lives are now in danger.

Octavia had stopped commenting on her lack of sleep a couple of days ago. At first, she had fun poking at her, telling Clarke that she looked terrible, but now even she could see that it was wearing her down. Octavia just gives her concerned looks from across the table now. Normally, it would drive Clarke crazy, but she knows she’s just trying to help. Clarke can’t alienate the only people who are with her on this. Octavia could be back in Arkadia with Lincoln, but she’s choosing to help her and Lexa instead. She has to give the girl credit for that. Especially when she has no real reason to trust Lexa at all.

Clarke runs a hand through her dishevelled hair as she eats. Her braids are becoming loose, and she contemplates asking Lexa to do them again for her. She’s sure she could learn how to do them herself, but she misses the feeling of the brunette’s hands playing with her hair. It’s one of the few things that can actually get her to relax, and she enjoys being close to Lexa.

Clarke’s not fazed at all by the knock on Luna’s front door. The clan leader had requested that everyone coming to see her must go through her guards first. Her most trusted guards and healers are the only ones who know that Lexa is here, and they’re the only ones allowed to come near the house. She barely even notices Luna slip out the door when she sees one of her guards on the other side.

Everyone is silent for the most part. It’s another thing that Clarke hates. It’s like they’re all on edge, just waiting for something to happen.

Which, it usually does as soon as there’s a moment to breathe.

Luna returns in a hurry, and Clarke doesn’t notice that anything’s wrong until she begins speaking rapid Trigedasleng to Ida, who immediately looks panicked.

Octavia knows the most Trigedasleng out of all of them, so it isn’t a surprise when she picks up on what Luna’s saying. “Azegda?” She asks, looking between Luna and Ida.

“What?” Clarke asks, standing up from her chair.

“My guards have spotted boats on the horizon. They look to be Azgeda,” Luna explains hurriedly. “They will likely be coming straight here to speak with me, so we need to hide all of you.”

Clarke’s heart sinks when she realises that the Conclave must be over, and that Ontari must have defeated the other Nightbloods. She can’t think of any other reason as to why they would be sending Azgeda warriors to the other clans. With Ontari as the Commander, her people are now directly in the firing line with absolutely no protection.

Clarke doesn’t have time to respond to Luna, as movement out of the corner of her eye catches her attention. Her eyes widen when she realises it’s Lexa. She’s bracing herself against the wall so she can stay upright, but she has somehow managed to get out of bed and make her way down the hall by herself. Clarke didn’t know that Lexa was physically capable of getting up by herself, but she _definitely_ knows she shouldn’t be out of bed.

“What the hell are you doing?” Clarke hisses, rushing over to her. She reaches for her arm in an attempt to help her stay upright.

“I’m fine,” Lexa says through gritted teeth.

“No, you’re not,” Clarke scolds. She takes slow steps forward in an attempt to guide Lexa towards the nearest chair. “Do you remember that you were _shot_ less than a week ago? Damn it, Lexa. What are you doing trying to get around on your own?”

“I heard Luna,” Lexa murmurs, ignoring Clarke’s original question. She sighs heavily when Clarke helps her drop down in the chair. “We can’t risk being seen by Azgeda, even with Roan as King. Anybody who sees us could report back to Titus.” She sounds defeated as she speaks, and Clarke knows that even Lexa is aware that she’s not ready to be thrust back into the spotlight. Once she heals, they can go ahead with a plan, but she’s of no use to them when she can’t even move. Right now, Clarke and Lexa being ‘lost’ is the best thing for everyone.

Clarke places her hand on Lexa’s shoulder, and the brunette looks up at her. Just the physical contact between them is a comfort to Clarke, and she hopes it offers Lexa the same security.

Clarke had briefly forgotten about Roan being King, but with Lexa no longer as Commander, it’s hard to pinpoint where his allegiance lies. Especially if Ontari is the Commander. To Clarke, it’s all a big tangled mess, and now they have nothing left to do but run.

“I was planning on hiding you once Lexa could walk, but we no longer have a choice,” Luna says with a sigh. She turns towards her guards, who are still standing by the door. Clarke recognises them as the same ones who had driven the boat and carried Lexa up the beach only days ago. She’s glad, because the more people who know about them, the more dangerous it is. Luna gives the guards a command in Trigedasleng and she hears Lexa groan behind her.

“I am not a child, Luna.” Lexa snaps. “I don’t need to be carried.”

“You can barely walk, Lexa,” Luna replies easily. Clarke can tell they’ve known each other for a long time just from their bickering. “If you claim to not be a child, then maybe you should stop acting like one.”

Aden lets out a quiet chuckle that he clearly didn’t mean to vocalise, and Clarke can barely suppress a smile of her own. Lexa turns towards Aden with a raised eyebrow, but her expression is one of amusement. She looks between him and Clarke. “Is that so?” She then turns her attention towards Luna with a scowl. “Fine. Your guards may carry me. But this is the last time, do you understand?”

Luna rolls her eyes, and something tells Clarke that even if Lexa was the Commander, she’d still be able to get away with it. “We’re wasting time here.” She tilts her head towards Clarke, Aden and Octavia as her guards move towards Lexa. “My guards will take you there. Let me deal with Azgeda, and I’ll come to you once they’re gone.”

\------

It’s a much longer trek than Clarke anticipated, but the more steps she takes away from the village, the safer she feels. Wherever Luna’s guards are taking them, it has a thick cover of trees, and she’s sure that the Azgeda warriors would get lost if they even thought about traversing through it. All she knows is that they’re heading inland, away from the ocean. She wonders just how big the Floudonkru territory is, but they don’t really have too much time for exploring.

Clarke doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but there’s a good chance that if Ontari is now the Commander, she has sent these warriors to look for her and Lexa. She’s just glad that Luna had a plan to hide them all along. Clarke can’t help but trust her, even if she knows next to nothing about her.

Clarke soon realises why Luna thought Lexa would never make it walking on her own, as it takes them almost an hour to get there. Clarke already misses the ocean, and she wished she had more time to spend there. Just thinking about the hours she could’ve spent painting the sunrise and sunset makes her heart ache. One day, when she’s not on the run, when she’s not feeling obligated to her people, she’s going to come back here. She promises herself that.

(And she promises herself that she’ll talk Lexa into it too.)

Once they finally pass through the trees, Clarke sees that they’ve reached a small clearing. It isn’t until the guards start talking to each other in Trigedasleng that she realises she can hear running water. The group crosses the clearing, and they pass through a few more trees before arriving at their destination.

Clarke feels like she’s stepped into another world when they finally stop walking. It’s a vastly different landscape to the beach and the ocean and she’s utterly in awe of it. It’s completely pristine, almost untouched, besides the one lone house made of wood that’s nestled amongst the trees. A large lake covers the majority of the area, and the banks are covered in short but thick green grass. The water is deep blue, and wildflowers grow along the edges. It’s quite possibly even more beautiful than when she saw Trikru territory for the first time, and that’s saying something.

Clarke’s fingers are immediately itching for paper and paints. Suddenly, she forgets why they’re there in the first place.

There’s a wooden bridge that crosses the river, and the guards lead the way as they carry Lexa across. Clarke makes sure she’s close behind — she doesn’t want Lexa to be too far out of her reach if something goes wrong. The guards lead the group all the way to the house and through the front doors. Despite looking small on the outside, the interior is much more open, making it seem much larger. The house itself is made entirely of wood and is hidden amongst the trees. It’s not immediately visible unless someone knows it’s there. It seems like the perfect place to hide, and Clarke wonders if that’s why Luna had it built in the first place.

The guard carrying Lexa immediately places her down on one of the lounges in the front room. He turns to Ida, conversing with her briefly in Trigedasleng before both guards exit the house, leaving the five of them in silence.

“This is Luna’s,” Ida explains, obviously having picked up additional information from the guards. “She would use this house whenever she needed to go into hiding.”

Clarke raises an eyebrow before turning towards Lexa. “Does she need to go into hiding often?”

“Lincoln did mention something about that when he told me about her,” Octavia adds.

“There are a lot of little things that go unnoticed, especially when you are busy commanding twelve clans,” Lexa says as she looks around the room. Clarke comes to the conclusion that Lexa hasn’t been here before. “Luna and I haven’t seen each other in many months. I knew she often had troubles, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it escalated to this point.”

It’s not really an answer, but Clarke doesn’t need to concern herself with that right now. She’s more preoccupied with wondering just how safe it really is there. They still don’t know exactly what the Ice Nation want, and they won’t know until Luna finds them again. Being in the dark is making Clarke anxious, and she really wishes they didn’t have to keep running.

“The guards said there are two bedrooms,” Ida explains, wandering towards the hallway to take a look.

“I’ll sleep out here,” Octavia volunteers, dropping down on one of the cushioned lounges. Clarke thinks she’ll probably be more comfortable out here anyway. “Someone should be close to the front of the house to keep watch.”

Clarke looks over at Lexa, raising an eyebrow. She doesn’t want to ask in front of everyone if Lexa will continue to share a bed with her, but the look Lexa gives her suggests that she’s perfectly okay with that idea. All Clarke needs to do now is stop waking her up with her nightmares, and maybe Lexa will actually be able to get a full night’s rest.

Clarke takes a seat next to Octavia while Ida and Aden scout out the rooms down the hallway. Clarke chews on her lower lip worriedly, and she can feel Lexa’s eyes on her. Lexa’s concern emanates across the room, but Clarke’s far too distracted to pay attention to it.

Now, they play the waiting game.

Clarke hates that game.

\------

Luna doesn’t find them for many hours. By then, it’s late afternoon and Clarke has helped Lexa back into bed. Clarke watches from the window of the front room as the light from the sun dances off the lake’s surface. She’s never been anywhere more serene, especially whilst on the ground, and she’s not even sure that it’s a real place. It wouldn’t surprise her if she was having another elaborate dream and she had just created this in her imagination.

Sometimes it scares her when she doesn’t feel connected to reality. It scares her that maybe if she doesn’t hold onto Lexa, she’ll disappear into thin air.

When Luna walks through the front door, Clarke almost trips over a table to get to her. She needs to know everything. Just how much danger Lexa is in, just how much danger her people are in. She’s sure that the Ice Nation warriors would have given her an update on the happenings in Polis.

“What happened? What do the Ice Nation want?” Clarke asks in a rush before Luna is even completely through the door.

Luna looks grave, and Clarke doesn’t see that as a good sign. She sighs and shuts the door behind her. “We should go in with Lexa so I can tell all of you at once.”

Clarke thinks it’s a good idea. If it’s bad news, she really doesn’t want to be the one to deliver it to Lexa. Collecting Octavia, Ida and Aden on the way, they enter Lexa’s room, and her face immediately becomes impassive when she realises Luna has returned. Clarke knows that she’s expecting bad news too, and she’s already bracing herself for the blow.

Luna looks uncomfortable, like she doesn’t want to say anything at all. The room is dead silent until she speaks, “It’s Ontari,” she says quietly, and Clarke can see Lexa’s eyes close out of the corner of her eye. “The Nightbloods are gone. She… defeated them all at the Conclave.” Clarke then turns towards Aden, who is standing with his back rigid, his arms behind his back, looking straight ahead. He doesn’t give away a single emotion, and it’s almost like looking at a younger version of Lexa.

Clarke then turns towards Lexa, who now has her eyes open. Beyond her nostrils flaring, she doesn’t give away any of her emotions either. Clarke doesn’t want to say anything to her until they’re alone, but her heart is already aching for her.

“That’s not all, either,” Luna says with a heavy sigh. She swallows before continuing, “The Ice Nation warriors aren’t just temporary. They’re here to stay.”

Clarke’s head snaps towards Luna. “What are you talking about?”

“By now, the Ice Nation has infiltrated every other clan. Ontari wants to keep a close eye on everyone. They’re her eyes and ears.” Luna shakes her head. “You won’t be able to come back to the village again. It’s not safe. They even have a close eye on me, I could barely get away to come here.”

Clarke quickly realises that this is a lot worse than she thought it was going to be. She didn’t know Ontari would go to such lengths so soon, and they’re completely powerless to help at the moment without getting themselves killed.

“Word is, she’s keeping the Coalition together for the time being, but only so that all of the clans can do her bidding. She has declared that the Ice Nation will rule over the Coalition. She has control over everything.”

Clarke frowns. Ontari’s a lot smarter than she gave her credit for. She turns towards Lexa, who is now looking directly down at the furs of the bed. She hasn’t said a word, and Clarke can’t imagine how devastating this must be for her. The Coalition is _hers_ , she created it from nothing, and now Ontari has hijacked it for her own purposes. To use it for a reason that’s opposite the one it was created for.

“And what exactly is her bidding?” Octavia asks. “What does she plan to do?”

“She wants to wipe out the Sky People first,” Luna says, and although it’s not a surprise to Clarke, her heart still sinks in her chest. “But Titus is still on the hunt for Lexa’s body, and Polis is in a frenzy because of it, so that’s slowing everything down.”

Clarke knew it wouldn’t take long for the citizens of Polis to discover that the body was missing. A funeral ceremony can’t be had without a body to burn. Regardless, she’s glad it’s causing trouble for Titus and Ontari back in Polis. This will give them a little more time before they march on Arkadia. Until Lexa is ready to fight, there isn’t much they can do except sit back and hide. Which is the last thing Clarke wants to do while Ontari attempts to slaughter her people.

She worries for her mother. Raven. Monty. Jasper. Her fellow delinquents who landed with her on the drop ship. Everyone she cares about. She hates that the best thing she can do is just _wait_. Lexa is the best (and, really, the _only_ ) chance they have.

On the other hand, she’s also worried for Lexa’s people. Clarke’s people have superior firepower, and it’s likely that they’ll be able to hold the Grounders off for quite some time. They have the guns and the mines and the bombs. More lives will probably be lost on the Grounder side than her own.

“What about Roan?” Clarke asks, turning towards Luna. “Can’t he help with this? He’s the King, there’s no way he would let this happen.”

Luna gives her a look, and Clarke’s heart sinks all over again.

“He’s not…”

“No.” She shakes her head. “He’s not dead. But Ontari has made him a prisoner in Polis. She needs control of the armies and Roan was in the way of that.”

“Is she even able to do that?” Octavia asks.

“The Commander controls the armies,” Lexa says, and everyone turns towards her. It’s the first time she’s said anything, and her voice is hoarse. “I had power over Nia when she was Queen, and while Ontari is Commander, she has power over Roan. She can do whatever she pleases. Especially if she keeps the Coalition together.”

Luna nods. “The Ice Nation only arrived today because they’ve just had the ascension ceremony. She is officially our new Commander.”

Clarke thinks about the AI, that is now in the back of Ontari’s neck, and what kind of capabilities it has. She wonders about the kinds of effects it will have on Ontari. If the spirits of past Commanders are really inside the chip, what are the chances of said Commanders having an influence over her? Lexa’s not dead, so she won’t be ‘inside’ with the others, but maybe traces of Lexa’s influence have been left behind in the chip. It’s a long shot, Clarke knows it, but she can still hope. All she can do is hope until they are able to take action.

“I should be getting back,” Luna says with a frown. “If I’m gone for too long, the Ice Nation warriors will start asking questions.”

Clarke nods. The last thing they need is the Ice Nation finding them and kicking their door down. They need to stay hidden.

“I brought more medicine, and other things that might speed up the healing process. You should try standing on your own sometime soon, maybe take short walks,” Luna suggests before pausing. She looks around at all the despondent faces in the room. “I’ll return when I have more news for you. Ida will be able to deal with Lexa’s recovery until then.”

Clarke nods slowly, as she seems to be the only one in the room capable of a response. Luna doesn’t say anything else before she turns and leaves the room, and once again, everyone is silent. Octavia and Ida are the first ones to make a move, excusing themselves before they leave the room. It couldn’t be any more obvious that they were giving Clarke and Lexa some time to themselves, but Lexa’s eyes haven’t left the furs of her bed.

“If you would like to leave, Aden, you can.” Lexa’s voice is soft, like a mother speaking to her child.

Aden bows to her, as if she’s still the Commander, before walking out the door. The news of the Nightbloods must be just as hard on him as it is on Lexa, but the boy’s face remains entirely impassive. Clarke thinks he’s certainly picked up on things from Lexa over the years.

“Lexa…” Clarke murmurs, turning towards her once the room is empty. Once she’s facing her, the sight of her breaks her heart.

Lexa shakes her head, and Clarke can see she’s trying to keep a straight face, but she’s only just barely holding it together. It’s too much for her to deal with all at once — the death of the Nightbloods, Ontari as Commander, Ontari taking over _her_ Coalition. Clarke takes a few steps towards the bed, but Lexa only shakes her head again as she approaches. “I think I need to be alone, Clarke.”

Clarke stops in her tracks. Lexa’s never asked her for space before, and she’s not sure what to make of it. It’s usually the other way around, and Lexa had always respected Clarke’s wishes. She nods slowly. “Okay,” she whispers. “If you need me, I’ll be out there, okay? I’m not going anywhere,” she promises. She reaches out tentatively, placing her hand on Lexa’s shoulder. She gives it a quick squeeze, lingering for a moment before she turns and leaves the room.

\------

Once Clarke shuts the door to Lexa’s room behind her, she returns to the main room. Aden is nowhere to be found, but that doesn’t surprise Clarke. She knows that the boy will likely need some time alone to deal with the news, just like Lexa. Octavia is sitting on the same lounge she had been before, staring down at the floor. Clarke takes a moment to appreciate just how much Octavia has grown up over the past few months. She’s proud of her, and there’s nobody else from the delinquents that she’d rather have with her.

“Are you worried about Lincoln?” Clarke asks, and she knows it’s a stupid question, because _of course_ she’s worried. About Lincoln, and about everyone else. There’s an army that will eventually be headed towards Arkadia to wipe them out.

“Among other things,” Octavia says with a sigh. She picks at the fabric of the lounge with her fingers.

Clarke frowns, before moving over to sit next to Octavia. “I’ve asked far too much of you already, Octavia. If you want to go back to Arkadia and warn our people or defend them, then you should.”

Octavia shakes her head. “I don’t belong there. Lincoln’s the only one I’m concerned about right now.” It looks like she wants to add more names to that list, but she doesn’t.

Clarke opens her mouth to say something, but she realises it’s not her place. She hasn’t belonged there either, not since Mount Weather. Although the two of them have gone in different directions, it’s safe to say they have the same feelings about the place they once called home. “I can’t ask you to stay here. I can’t ask you to be apart from Lincoln.”

“There’s no way for me to break him out, Clarke, and you know that. Not without getting captured myself. And what good would that do anyone?” Octavia asks, looking directly at Clarke. “Besides, you need me here.”

Clarke opens her mouth again to protest, but Octavia beats her to it.

She reaches over and places her hand on Clarke’s knee. “Clarke, I’m with you. Okay? I know how it feels to almost lose someone you love.” The look of surprise on Clarke’s face doesn’t faze Octavia in the slightest. She lowers her voice, “I know you’re in love with her. It’s written all over your face. You wouldn’t go to the lengths you have if you didn’t love her.”

Clarke feels a blush creep up her neck as Octavia pauses, making a point to study Clarke’s face. Clarke’s quite sure that her expression isn’t doing too much to hide her feelings. She doesn’t deny it, though. Why would she?

“Lexa is the best chance we have at peace. At coexisting without having to worry about war. Yeah, I’m worried, but if Lexa gets back on that throne, we can end this. Plus, Arkadia isn’t exactly going to welcome me back with open arms after I helped you escape.”

Clarke knows she has a point. Octavia has put everything on the line for her, and it could cost her at any moment. She’s beyond grateful, of course, but she just hopes that Octavia doesn’t live to regret it.

“Why aren’t you in there anyway?” Octavia asks, tilting her head towards Lexa’s room.

Clarke sighs heavily. “She wants to be alone. Which is fine, I just… wish there was something I could do.”

“You’ve done more than enough for her, Clarke.” Octavia nods. “We all need time alone to process sometimes. Especially in this world.”

She’s right — again — but Clarke hates not being able to help. Sitting back and doing nothing is just not who she was, which is what makes the running away and hiding that much harder.

“I might go for a walk,” Clarke says quietly. She’s still itching to get amongst the beautiful scenery outside, and she needs a way to clear her head. If she takes a sketchbook with her, she can get lost in her art for a few hours. Maybe she can catch the last bit of light before the sun goes down.

“Okay,” Octavia says. Clarke gets off the lounge and picks up a coat she was previously wearing to keep warm. “Be careful,” Octavia adds as soon as Clarke reaches the door.

Clarke turns around and gives her a small smile in acknowledgement before heading out.

\------

When Lexa hears the light knock at the bedroom door, she hopes it isn’t Clarke.

Not because she doesn’t want Clarke there. There’s never been a moment where she truly _didn’t_ want Clarke to be around her. If Lexa had her way, Clarke would stay with her forever. But, at the moment, Clarke doesn’t need to see her like this.

She tells the person to enter, her eyes trained on the door as she waits. The person she sees on the other side isn’t who she expects at all, but she’s still thankful that it isn’t Clarke.

It’s Aden.

He’s lost all semblance of formality. His shoulders are slumped and he isn’t looking Lexa in the eyes. If she was the Commander, she would tell him to straighten his posture, to be polite whilst speaking to her. But she’s not the Commander, and this isn’t a normal situation. When Aden lifts his head, Lexa can see that he’s been crying.

Her heart breaks. Right there and then. It takes less than a second for it to shatter in her chest and she finds that her own body is trembling in an attempt to rein in her own sadness. She manages to compose herself, and she pats the space next to her on the bed for Aden. He moves slowly, but eventually, he manages to lift himself up onto her bed and sit down.

Lexa takes Aden’s small hands in her own. The first thing she notices is that they’re cold, and now that he’s close, she can see that his clothes are damp too. It wouldn’t surprise her if he had gone and waded in the cold river, for no reason other than the pure grief he was feeling.

“I grew up with them, and now they’re gone.” Aden says quietly, his voice cracking. “They were my family.”

“I know,” Lexa whispers softly. “Mine, too.”

Aden finally looks up at her, his eyes shining with fresh tears. Lexa reaches over slowly to wipe away the ones that fall. She’s having a hard time transitioning between being the Commander and suddenly not, but she knows that, technically, Aden is no longer her student. She doesn’t have to act authoritative over him anymore. There’s no need for her to act like she’s stoic and emotionless. Not right now.

“That includes you though,” Lexa adds quietly. She gives his hands a squeeze. She’s dealt with so much loss in her life, but she still doesn’t know how to truly comfort him. There _is_ no comfort in it. “And we can get through this. You, me and Clarke. All three of us together, okay?”

Aden nods, but still seems unconvinced. “You really love Clarke… don’t you?”

Lexa smiles softly. Her chest swells with affection for not only Clarke, but for the boy sitting in front of her. “Very much, yes.”

“I hope she knows. I’ve never seen anyone love the way you do.”

Lexa’s smile grows, and she knows Aden is right. Clarke should know how she feels, and she’s adamant that she’ll get a chance to tell her at the right time. It wasn’t the right time just before she was leaving, but in a way, Lexa’s injury has given them a second chance. She would endure the pain if it meant she got to spend more time with Clarke.

“I don’t know what to do now,” Aden says quietly, looking down at his hands enclosed in Lexa’s.

“It will hurt for a while,” Lexa tells him. “A long while. Maybe it always will. But the pain will dull over time, and you will find reasons to keep going. Whether it be in other people, or a goal or purpose.” She pauses, before letting out a heavy breath. “Clarke… she taught me many things. She made me stronger.” She finds it difficult to admit it out loud, because she’s not used to vocally expressing herself, but she has never been more honest in her life.

“I should have stayed in Polis. Maybe I could’ve done something to protect them.”

Lexa shakes her head quickly. “No, Aden. No, I’m glad you came with us.” The look she gives him is tender. If she had lost him on top of the rest of the Nightbloods, she wouldn’t have been able to handle it. For once, she is thankful that Aden disobeyed her. “Ontari was trained by the Ice Queen. She’s much older and very powerful. We had no idea what she was capable of.” She knows it won’t bring him any comfort. She knows better than anyone that words can only do so much in times of loss. “All we can do now is be strong. For your brothers and sisters, you have to be strong for them.”

“I don’t know how to be strong anymore,” Aden mutters quietly. The words cut through Lexa like a knife, because she _knows_ Aden is strong. She’s seen it every single day since he was brought to Polis for training. It wounds her, because as strong as he is, it only takes one horrible event for it all to come crashing down again.

“The only way to be strong is to keep going,” Lexa tells him. She feels like she’s back to being his teacher again. Suddenly, it feels like she’s sitting on her throne and he’s sitting on the ground, cross-legged in front of her. Every moment is a teaching moment, she would tell herself, because it was the truth. Whether she was teaching her Nightbloods, or even teaching Clarke, there was always something to learn. “And until you find your purpose, you can share mine.” She nods. “Peace is my purpose. My goal is peace for all of our people. I would be honoured if you were a part of that.”

For the first time since entering the room, Aden smiles, and Lexa’s heart fills once more. “I would be honoured to be a part of it, Heda.” Lexa narrows her eyes at the title, and Aden elaborates. “You will always be my Heda. I serve you, until you are gone, and your spirit rightfully chooses your successor. And I will serve them, as I did you.”

“If I become Commander again, I hope that _you_ will still be my successor one day,” Lexa replies smoothly. She watches him until his eyes meet hers again.

“Then I will strive for only peace, as you did.”

Lexa smiles again. Despite the tragedy that has just taken place, it’s hard not smile to when Aden’s around. “I’m proud of you, Aden. I have no doubt that you will make a fine Commander someday.”

“Thank you.” Aden bows his head. “But I hope I get to succeed you, not anybody else.”

“I think that’s a fine plan,” Lexa says. She’s suddenly feeling a lot more motivation to get herself back on that throne. “Now,” she says, raising her eyebrow, “there’s one more thing you can help me with before you go.”

\------

Clarke has realised that she seems to fall asleep wherever she drops nowadays, and she becomes immovable for hours. She had spent quite a few hours sitting in the grass outside the house. She watched the sun set behind the trees, and she became entranced by the orange glow that bounced off the water’s surface. Clarke knows it’s easy to get lost in the beauty of it all. It’s easy for her to let her guard down, which she knows is dangerous.

Two sides of her are always fighting. One is telling her to be calm, that they’re safe, to let her guard down. The other is telling her that there’s no such thing as security in this world, so she must always be on edge. It’s tiring, and she wishes she could truly reacquaint herself with the term ‘relaxation’.

It’s no real surprise that she passes out on the lounge in the front room — again — and she isn’t woken until hours later. She’s being shook slightly, and when she opens her eyes, it’s completely dark, aside from a few candles that somebody must have lit in the room.

“Hm?” Clarke asks sleepily, rubbing her eyes. As her vision clears, she sees the silhouette of Octavia standing over her. “Sorry,” she mumbles. “I’m sleeping on your bed, I’ll move.”

“Wait,” Octavia starts, shaking her head. “That’s not why I’m here. Lexa sent me, she wants to see you.”

Clarke yawns loudly, and when she does, she can see Aden curled up in one of the chairs across the room. He’s eating something, and the sight makes her stomach growl. She doesn’t realise how hungry she’d gotten. It looks like it’s the middle of the night, and Clarke can only think what Lexa wants is urgent if she needs to see her right now.

Clarke lifts herself off the lounge. She feels lethargic, and it doesn’t really surprise her. Her sleeping patterns haven’t exactly been regular ever since Lexa almost died in her arms.

She takes a few steps over towards Aden, who lifts his head when she approaches. “How are you doing?” She asks quietly. It’s been hours since she’s seen him, and he looks completely worn out.

“Okay,” Aden says with a slow nod. His voice is steady, so Clarke believes him. “I can’t sleep, though.”

Clarke smiles slightly. “I know the feeling.” She kneels down in front of him, studying his face for a moment. “The trick is to just keep going. That’s all any of us can do.”

Aden smiles. “You sound like Heda.” He pauses, before correcting himself. “Like Lexa.”

“You should listen to Lexa,” Clarke tells him. “Commander or not, she’s easily the most intelligent person I know.”

Aden nods in agreement. He holds her gaze before swallowing. “Thank you… for saving her.”

Clarke’s expression softens. “I’d do it again. A thousand times over.”

He looks so innocent, but at the same time, Clarke knows she underestimated him. When Lexa had first told her that he was the best candidate for Commander, the idea had been absurd to her. Now, if the day ever were to come, she would fight for him. “I know you would,” he finally replies, and the small smile that appears on his face makes Clarke wonder just how much he knows.

“I probably shouldn’t keep her waiting either,” Clarke says with raised eyebrow, knowing that Aden would understand _that_ particularly well. She’s sure the Nightbloods weren’t always on time to meet up with Lexa.

“No,” he laughs quietly. “Probably not.”

With that, Clarke stands back up. “If you need anything, you know where I am, okay?” She’s reaching out to him, because she’s not sure how comfortable he is talking about personal matters with his former teacher. And she wants to protect him, because if she loses Lexa, there’s no way in hell she’s losing Aden too.

Aden nods once more before Clarke turns on her heel and heads towards the hallway. When she reaches Lexa’s door, she pauses. She’s slightly worried about what state Lexa will be in. Lexa barely even looked at her a few hours ago, and Clarke is sure she’ll still be upset. Rightfully so, of course, but she isn’t sure how to help her, no matter how much she wants to. She knocks quietly, and Lexa’s voice on the other side of the door prompts her to enter.

The first thing that knocks the wind out of her is the fact that Lexa is standing on her own. Clarke’s lips part as she stands still in the doorway. It surprises her, it excited her, and it frustrates her all at once.

“What are you doing?” Clarke asks, her concern for Lexa’s wellbeing immediately drowning every other emotion she’s feeling. She huffs, crosses the room, and takes a gentle hold of Lexa’s arms. “Why do you insist on making things difficult?”

“Clarke, I’m fine,” Lexa says. She looks even more worn out than Aden did, but the slight smile on her face makes Clarke feel a little better. She’s wearing a black tank top, and it really shouldn’t be distracting Clarke as much as it is. “Luna said I should start moving around.”

“Yes, but not right now… Not when— God, not _now_ , Lexa. It’s only been a week.” Clarke sighs. She knows she’s fussing, but she can’t help it. “Are you in any pain?”

“I’m always in pain, Clarke. Whether I am standing or sitting, it doesn’t make much of a difference,” Lexa tells her, and Clarke frowns.

Clarke looks at her, and the tenderness in Lexa’s eyes always gets her. Every single time. “Okay, but _short_ bursts, okay? I don’t want you standing up for hours at a time. We can take short walks, but you’re not allowed to go alone, you understand?”

“As you wish, ambassador,” Lexa murmurs, and Clarke doesn’t miss the flirtatious tone of her voice and the playful glint in her eyes. Her lips turn upwards again in the slightest of smiles. It takes her back to the night after Lexa’s fight with Roan. Clarke’s sure she’s never had to use more self-control in her whole life than she had to on that night.

Lexa’s smile is contagious. Clarke ducks her head in an attempt to hide hers. “I’m not an ambassador anymore.”

“But you will be again,” Lexa tells her. She tentatively lifts her hand, her thumb ghosting over Clarke’s cheek. “We’ve talked over the plan. Octavia and Aden are on board.”

Clarke sighs. “You’re the one who once told me that plans don’t last long in battle.”

“This is different,” Lexa insists. “I won’t stop until you and my people are safe, Clarke. That requires me taking back the throne. Or Aden, if it comes to that. I won’t rest until this planned has worked.”

Clarke knows there’s no changing her mind, and she also knows that it would be wrong to try. Her people are in the firing line too, and Clarke can’t let anything happen to them either. Sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to keep fighting, but Lexa is constantly reminding her of the reasons why she should.

A silence falls between them, because there’s nothing Clarke can really say. She’ll keep Lexa safe, no matter what it takes. Clarke lets go of Lexa’s arms, because she seems to be able to stand up just fine on her own, despite the pain it may be causing her. She’s not wobbling anymore like she was the first time, so that’s progress, at least.

Lexa steadily moves towards the bed, and she sits herself down on the edge. Clarke’s a little relieved, because she doesn’t want to have to force her to rest any more than she already has for the past week. “Honestly, I was wondering why you hadn’t come back.”

Clarke narrows her eyes slightly. “You said you wanted to be alone.”

“I know,” Lexa says. “But I assumed you would be back regardless, knowing how stubborn you are.”

Lexa’s tone is playful, and Clarke can only roll her eyes at her. “Well I’m here now,” she replies, sitting down on the bed next to Lexa. She pulls both feet up on the bed, crossing her legs in front of her. Her next question is hesitant, and at first, she’s not sure if she should ask it at all. “How are you feeling?” Her voice is gentle, and she tries her best to study Lexa’s expression. However, as soon as the words leave her lips, Lexa avoids her eyes.

“Talking about the terrible things that have happened to me is not something I tend to do, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice is coated with misery, and all Clarke wants to do is find a way to make her whole again. She’s determined to do whatever it takes to bring Lexa happiness.

“Lexa…” Clarke reaches out, placing a hand on her arm.

Clarke expects Lexa to pull away. She really does. She expects to be shut out completely, to be told she wants to be alone again, to be silent and say nothing. That’s what Lexa would’ve done when they had first met, but that wasn’t the real Lexa. The real Lexa is warm and soft. The real Lexa trusts Clarke with her life and all of her secrets. The real Lexa knows that Clarke is the only one who truly understands her. The real Lexa was willing to die for Clarke at the hands of her own advisor.

Despite knowing the real Lexa better than anyone else, Clarke is still incredibly surprised when she finds herself wrapped up in Lexa’s arms. Hugs between them aren’t exactly a regular occurrence, but Clarke finds herself craving more as soon as she feels the warmth of Lexa’s body surrounding her. She wishes she could hold her tighter, but due to her injury, Clarke’s touch is almost feather light. She’s even more surprised when she can feel Lexa trembling.

Lexa doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t need to. Clarke is content to sit and hold her in silence for however long it takes.

\------

Eventually, the two of them change positons. Clarke stays sitting upright, leaning back against the headboard of the bed, while Lexa sits in between her legs, her own back resting against Clarke’s front. Clarke presses gentle kisses to her bare shoulder, and she can feel Lexa relax a little more with each one. One of Clarke’s hands rests at Lexa’s hip, while Lexa holds the other hostage, playing with Clarke’s fingers lightly.

“It’s never my intention to shut you out, Clarke,” Lexa starts, looking down at their hands.

“I know,” Clarke assures her, and when Lexa turns her head slightly, she gives Lexa a soft smile. “I’m still going to be here when you need me. We don’t have to talk.”

“I just… sometimes I don’t know what to say. Where to begin.” Lexa’s honesty always manages to knock the air out of Clarke’s lungs. Usually because it’s heartbreaking, but also because she’s not sure how she got so lucky. Having someone as brilliant as Lexa trusting _her_.

“That’s okay,” Clarke promises. She gets it. Lexa has been trained to not love, to not trust, and to not open up. She’s a great speaker, of course, in war councils and when she has the protection of her battle armour and war paint. When all of that is stripped away, she’s tender and vulnerable. She hasn’t been allowed to talk about her feelings, and even when she was with Costia, it was illicit. If Clarke’s being honest, she’s just glad to have her alive.

“But when I do,” she murmurs, “I want you to hear it.”

Clarke smiles. “I’ll be here,” she vows, before the room descends into silence.

Lexa leans her head back against Clarke’s shoulder. “Sometimes…” She starts, her voice still only a soft murmur. She doesn’t meet Clarke’s eyes as she speaks, “Sometimes I think about running away. Somewhere far from Polis, far from my responsibilities, where I am able to really _live_. A part of me wishes to stay here.”

Clarke smiles softly. She always feels like she’s in a daze whenever she gets quiet moments like this with Lexa. “You have no idea how much I love that idea. Really, I do. If we were in any other situation, then I would do it with you in a heartbeat. But we’re destined for more than that, and you know it.”

Lexa lets out a heavy sigh. “Yes, I know.” She pauses. “It is a nice thought, though.”

“It is,” Clarke agrees. “Maybe someday we can be like that.”

Clarke can see Lexa’s uncomfortable expression almost immediately. “Maybe not using those exact words,” she says quietly.

Clarke knows what she’s referring to. It takes her back to the day Lexa was shot, which is more bittersweet than anything else. The ‘maybe someday’ that left her lips when they thought they might never see each other again. When she thought they may never have a chance of being together. Lexa doesn’t want to revisit that feeling, and neither does Clarke. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, leaning forward and pressing a lingering kiss to Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa squeezes her fingers, and that’s all Clarke needs to know that she’s okay. “It’s late,” she murmurs softly.

“Mhm,” Clarke replies, pressing another kiss behind Lexa’s ear.

“You’re tired,” Lexa guesses with a soft smile.

“Mhm,” Clarke repeats. Her next words are mumbled, “Tomorrow night… you have to come and sit outside with me. Watch the sunset. The water and the trees… It’s beautiful.”

Lexa turns her body slowly until she’s face to face with Clarke. Their noses are almost touching, and Lexa’s gaze automatically drifts down to her lips. “So much beauty in one place… That will certainly be a challenge, Clarke kom Skaikru.”

Clarke doesn’t even bother trying to hide the grin that forms on her face. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Maybe,” she murmurs, smiling as Clarke presses their lips together. Lexa’s hand finds the back of Clarke’s neck as the kiss deepens. Clarke makes a point to suck heavily on Lexa’s lower lip, and the brunette can’t help but moan quietly. When Clarke pulls away from her, Lexa keeps her face close to hers.

“Sleep,” Clarke murmurs drowsily against Lexa’s lips, and the smile that appears on Lexa’s face is the biggest the blonde has seen all week.

It takes Lexa a moment to lie down. Her actions are all in slow motion, and Clarke tries not to worry about just how long it will take Lexa to heal properly. She’s taking care of herself for the most part, though, and Clarke’s thankful for that. Clarke knows just how much she likes to push her limits, and she’s just glad to be around to monitor her. There is absolutely no doubt in her mind that she wouldn’t be able to get through this without Lexa, so she’s doing everything she can.

Despite Clarke’s exhaustion, Lexa falls asleep before her. She can’t help but marvel at the brunette’s peaceful expression. Nothing fills her heart more than seeing Lexa this way, and there’s nothing that Clarke wouldn’t do to make sure she continues feeling this way.

Unable to help herself, Clarke leans over, her lips ghosting over Lexa’s cheek for a moment before she settles at her side. She presses her cold nose to Lexa’s shoulder, and for the first time in a week, her dreams are filled with nothing but warmth and joy and peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, just to clarify: if the eighth novitiate is revealed on the show, then I’m ignoring it. Especially if it turns out to be Luna lmao. Since there’s already Lexa and Aden and Ontari as potential/existing Commanders, there is no real need for an eighth novitiate, since their only purpose is clearly going to be to step in and take the throne from Ontari. So, really, you can just pretend they don’t exist. I might even delete the mention of it in the first chapter just so I can erase every trace of it from this fic/verse.
> 
> (Post-3x09 edit: Well, would you look at that lmao. Clearly, Luna will not be the eighth novitiate in this fic. There is no eighth novitiate. Carry on.)
> 
> The next chapter deals with some important stuff, so that’s nice and vague for you all. ;)


	4. Four

The next afternoon, as Clarke and Lexa sit out by the lake, bathed in the soft glow of the sunset, Clarke feels like she might actually know the meaning of peace.

Lexa had been on edge since Luna’s news the previous day, so Clarke had been trying various methods to relax her. It proved to be difficult, especially when Lexa is only able to go so far before needing to rest. Clarke knows that being stuck in that bed isn’t really good for her, and it’s been over a week now, so she expects that Lexa will want to be moving, if only in short bursts.

They take walks, through the trees and along the river, making sure to not go towards the village. For all they know, the Ice Nation warriors could be scouting the woods near the village, and if they’re spotted, Clarke will hardly be able to defend the both of them. Especially without a weapon. Clarke won’t let Lexa walk very far anyway — she’s still recovering and if anyone’s going to keep her in line, it’s going to be Clarke.

Lexa tells her that if she can move, then she’s ready to start using weapons again. The group doesn’t have any weapons apart from the sword Octavia carries and the knife Aden has. All of Lexa’s weapons are back in Polis, and Clarke certainly doesn’t want to see another gun again for as long as she lives.

Basically, Clarke isn’t going to let Lexa near any weapons until she’s sure she won’t hurt herself. She wants to supervise Lexa’s every move, which Lexa isn’t complaining about too much. Lexa knows what it’s like to want someone to be safe, and Clarke knows she’d do the same thing if the roles were reversed.

Despite trying to fill the day with distractions for Lexa, Clarke makes sure they don’t miss the sunset.

They sit in the grass by the water, leaning up against two large rocks that are on the edge of the river. A wide wooden plank sits in between them, cooked meat and berries piled on top of it. Lexa’s legs are stretched out and her hands are in her lap, whilst Clarke has her knees pulled up towards her chest, and a sketchbook sits in her lap. She’s facing towards Lexa, her eyes lifting from her page every now and then to study her face.

Lexa has an expression on her face that is more serene than Clarke has ever seen. It makes her wish that what Lexa had said the night before could be real. That they could just stay here for the rest of their lives. Somewhere where they’d both be safe, and they could be happy together. Being duty-bound to her people is taking a toll on her, and she knows it must be the same for Lexa. She’s been away from them for so long that she feels disconnected. She’s not sure how many times she can swoop in and save them before it breaks her for good.

Lexa seems to notice that Clarke is lost in her own little world, as she turns her head towards her.

Clarke shakes her head, a soft smile forming on her face. “Keep looking straight ahead.”

Lexa narrows her eyes. “Why?”

Clarke’s eyes flit down to her page, where the half-finished drawing of Lexa resides. She’s perfectly captured Lexa’s profile, which is rather flawless, in her opinion. Her jawline is something that her, as an artist, can only marvel at. She’s caught between wanting to sketch it continuously until she’s memorized it, and wanting to explore it thoroughly with her lips. There’s no doubt at all that she’s always been aware of Lexa’s beauty, but she doesn’t get a lot of time to appreciate it like this.

Lexa raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Clarke feels her face heat up. “Because I said so. You’re perfect where you are. Just… don’t move.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything more, but obeys Clarke’s wishes. She keeps her gaze straight ahead, and the way the light from the water dances in her green eyes makes Clarke’s stomach twist in knots. She’s trying her best to capture the setting sun in the background, but she knows it won’t look as good without colour. Sketching can only get her so far, and what she’d really love, is to get some hands on some paints.

“You know… I’d love to paint you someday,” Clarke tells her off-handedly.

“I didn’t realise I had become your newest subject,” Lexa murmurs. She keeps her focus straight ahead as she’s told, but Clarke can see the tiniest hint of a smirk. Clarke knows she’s thinking about the drawing of herself that she caught Clarke with back in Polis. “And how exactly would you paint me?”

“I have a lot of ideas,” Clarke tells her vaguely. Some of those ideas were not-so-innocent ones, and she hopes to explore _those_ particular concepts someday in the future.

“Tell me one.”

“Well…” Clarke begins, her eyes dropping back down to the page to continue her sketch. “I’d use soft candlelight, and I’d have your hair braided with flowers. Maybe you’d be wearing a dress. And you would just be you. No traces of the Commander, just you.”

Lexa’s silent for a moment. “Is that really how you see me?” She asks, disobeying Clarke by turning her head towards her. This time, Clarke doesn’t really mind, because the hint of vulnerability in Lexa’s eyes makes her heart ache. “Peaceful and gentle and… pure?”

“Yes,” Clarke murmurs, her eyes locking with Lexa’s. “Beautiful, too.”

Clarke’s quite sure she’s never actually seen Lexa blush, but there’s a first time for everything. She adds that to the list of things that she wants to capture on paper. She doesn’t say anything at first, as she turns her head back towards the lake.

Clarke watches her, because she’s beyond beautiful, really, and she feels lucky just to be in her space. To be able to know as much as she does about her. To be trusted and cared for by her.

“Would you like to know how I see you?” Lexa asks quietly.

Clarke’s jaw locks, because there are certainly many ways she could describe herself. ‘Killer’ is the first word that comes to mind, and she has to swallow the lump in her throat. “I’m not sure I do,” she replies honestly, returning her attention back to her work.

“Warm,” Lexa replies, seemingly ignoring Clarke’s response. “Warm, and bright.” She pauses. “Stronger than I will ever be.”

Clarke ducks her head to hide her smile. She feels relief wash over her, but she’s not sure why she thought Lexa would ever say a bad word about her in the first place. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“I would,” Lexa nods, and there’s an air of confidence about her that makes Clarke believe it. “Nobody, including myself and the Commanders who came before me, could ever be as strong as you have been.”

Clarke watches her, mostly because she’s speechless, but also because she didn’t know it was possible for anyone to have so many kind words for her after everything she’s done. Lexa only sees her for who she truly is, and has never judged her on the things she has done to survive.

She’s never had a connection like that with anyone else on the ground, and that’s one of the many reasons she clings so tightly to Lexa. She won’t lose her, no matter what it costs her.

“ _You_ are,” Clarke tells her. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Likewise, Clarke.”

Clarke smiles, dropping her head back towards her work. As much as she loves her art, nothing beats looking at the real thing. “I can’t believe I almost lost you.” Her voice is a quiet murmur, and it’s not entirely voluntary. Something else that isn’t voluntary are the tears that fill her eyes as soon as the words leave her mouth.

Clarke doesn’t even attempt to stop Lexa from shuffling over towards her. She squeezes her eyes shut, because she doesn’t want Lexa to see her cry _again_ , but this past week has been filled with emotions that she hasn’t been able to keep down. When it’s just her and Lexa, she allows herself to drop all barriers, but she’s still not used to it, and she definitely doesn’t like it.

Lexa places her hand on Clarke’s knee, and the blonde sighs, avoiding her eyes. “I’m sorry.” She knows she keeps bringing it up, and it probably isn’t the best memory for either of them to dwell on.

Lexa shakes her head in response. Her gaze is locked on Clarke, but her eyes are warm and inviting. There’s nothing to fear there, and Clarke knows that. “You never have to be sorry with me, Clarke.”

Despite the tears in her eyes, Clarke nods, because she knows it’s true. She knows nobody else accepts every single part of her in the way that Lexa does. She’s still terrified of opening herself up to somebody again after experiencing so much loss, but Lexa makes it far too easy.

“I would never leave you willingly, and I plan to stay here for as long as possible,” Lexa continues. Everything she does is tentative, like she’s afraid to cross a line with Clarke. “We have a mission, and we’re a team,” she repeats Clarke’s words from only a few days earlier, a hint of a smile on her face.

Her words make Clarke smile too, and she quickly wipes away her tears on her sleeve. “You’re right.” Of course she’s right, she’s Lexa. Her wisdom has always managed to stabilize Clarke, even in the direst of situations. “Thank you.”

Lexa’s lips twitch upwards again. “You’re welcome.” Her gaze drifts down to the sketchbook in Clarke’s lap. She’s close enough to be able to see her drawing now, but Clarke’s not nearly as self-conscious about it as she had been the first time. Clarke almost craves having Lexa see herself in the way that she sees her.

“You really need to stop looking at my art before it’s finished.”

“I enjoy it,” Lexa tells her. “Even unfinished.”

“I take it you don’t mind being my subject then,” Clarke says, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s an honour to be your subject, Clarke.”

When Clarke looks up, her gaze immediately settles on Lexa’s lips. She decides to close the gap quickly, placing her hand on the back of Lexa’s neck to draw her in. Their lips meet in a firm kiss, and Clarke can instantly feel Lexa submit to her. It’s a powerful position that she enjoys being in much more than she should. The kiss lasts for longer than Clarke expects, but she certainly isn’t complaining.

When Lexa pulls away, she’s slightly out of breath, but she keeps her face close to Clarke’s. Clarke’s not sure how someone as strong as Lexa can be so soft at the same time. She’s never felt anything as gentle as Lexa’s lips or her touch or her gaze. She’s hyperaware whenever Lexa is close to her, and she’s always itching to be closer. Naturally, it terrifies her, because she’s never felt anything this intense before, but at the same time, she’s safe with Lexa. She’ll always be protected, both physically and emotionally, as long as Lexa is around.

 “Clarke?” Lexa asks, and Clarke can suddenly see vulnerability dampen the light in her eyes. “I would like your help with something tomorrow evening, if you’re willing.”

“Of course,” she replies, her thumb mindlessly brushing over Lexa’s cheekbone. “What is it?”

Lexa smiles softly. “You’ll have to be there to find out.”

\------

Clarke is there, and she does find out.

The sun has set completely by the time she finds Lexa. Aden seems to be missing as well, so she can only guess that he’s a part of it too. She’s definitely curious, and she’s lucky that the dark actually aids her in finding Lexa.

As soon as she steps out of the front door of the house, the orange glow beside the lake gives Lexa away immediately. Clarke’s view is obscured by trees and bushes though, so she isn’t completely sure what’s going on. She wanders over to the light source, and once she passes the trees and sees what’s on the other side, she’s even more intrigued than she was before.

Lexa and Aden sit in the grass by the water, and they’re surrounded by lit lanterns. The orange glow completely illuminates the night sky, and once again, it’s beautiful. Usually the only light out here is the stars and the moon, with nothing else in sight, but this creates a different scene entirely. Yet again, Clarke is overcome with the urge to paint. To capture Lexa sitting there covered in warmth. Lexa is lighting the last lantern as Clarke approaches them.

“What is this?” Clarke asks, furrowing her eyebrows.

“A tribute,” Aden says softly, and the warmth that lights his eyes makes Clarke smile. “To my fallen brothers and sisters.”

Clearly, Lexa had organised this, and Clarke’s body aches with affection. She doesn’t know how someone who’s grown up with so much death and destruction could still be so warm and thoughtful. Lexa’s an entirely different person without the flame, and Clarke can’t help but be even more curious about this version of her.

Clarke counts the amount of lanterns they have. Twelve. There were only six Nightbloods at the Conclave back in Polis. It confuses Clarke, and Lexa must have noticed her expression immediately.

“Aden?” She asks, and the boy lifts his head. Her voice is kind, and it’s the complete opposite to any tone that the Commander would use. “Could you go inside and tell Luna that we’re ready?”

Aden nods, and despite Lexa not being the Commander, he still bows before leaving her. Clarke thinks it’s adorable, but she’s also glad he doesn’t want to get out of the habit. If they have their way, Lexa will be back on that throne before long.

Clarke slowly approaches Lexa and drops to her knees beside her. Lexa’s fiddling with one of the lanterns that doesn’t seem to want to stay on its little wooden base. She has an adorable look of concentration on her face until Clarke breaks it by speaking.

“I’m confused.”

Lexa lifts her head to look at her. “About what?”

Clarke furrows her eyebrows. “There were only six Nightbloods besides Aden. There are twelve lanterns.”

Lexa smiles gently and lifts her hand, tapping each lantern as she lists a name. “Gustus, Anya, Costia…” She murmurs, keeping her gaze locked on Clarke. “Wells, Finn… and your father.”

Clarke opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out. She remembers telling Lexa about Wells and her father, but only very briefly. She’s surprised Lexa remembers it at all, as it was more of a passing comment than anything else. She should know by now that when it comes to Lexa, everything Clarke says ends up locked in her mind, even if it seems insignificant at the time.

Clarke feels completely overwhelmed. Once again, Lexa has taken a gesture meant for only her people, and extended it to include Clarke. Clarke will never understand what makes her so special, she really won’t, but she doesn’t need to. No matter where she goes or what she does, Lexa will always care about her, and that’s more comforting than anything she’s experienced whilst being on the ground.

Lexa keeps her stabilised. If she had lost her that day, she has no idea what kind of state she would be in. She doesn’t ever want to find out, and she’ll continue to do everything in her power to make sure Lexa survives.

(Clarke kind of likes it — being the one who has to protect Lexa instead of the other way around. It’s nice, even if it’s frustrating to Lexa.)

Once Clarke has finally found her words again, she looks back up, and she’s sure her eyes are giving away all the vulnerability she’s feeling right now. “Why would you do this for me?” She asks softly.

“We never get to say goodbye. Not in the way that we want to,” Lexa replies. Her tone is heavy and somber, and Clarke can’t tear her eyes away from her. “You and I deserve to be able to say goodbye to the ones we’ve loved and lost. We deserve that opportunity after everything that has happened.”

Clarke still feels completely overwhelmed by the gesture, and she can feel her heart filling with affection. “You’re always taking care of me. Even when it’s inconvenient to you.” She knows why. She absolutely knows why. But it still manages to blow her mind. Nobody has ever cared for her in the way that Lexa does. She didn’t know someone was capable of feeling that level of emotion for her, especially after everything that she’s done. “Even when I feel like I don’t deserve it, you’re still there.”

Lexa’s response is nothing more than a nod. There’s nothing she can really say, because Clarke’s right about all of it. There’s nothing to confirm and there’s nothing to deny. Clarke is just right.

Clarke locks eyes with her, and she’s quite sure that she’s never felt more for Lexa in her life. When she lets out a breath, she realises it’s shaky. It isn’t too often that a person makes her nervous, but Lexa can do it effortlessly. Lexa can sense her nerves in a heartbeat, and her head tilts slightly in curiosity. “That’s why I love you,” Clarke murmurs softly, repeating Lexa’s own unfinished words from the day she was supposed to leave Polis.

Clarke can pinpoint the exact moment when all of the air leaves Lexa’s lungs. Her eyes widen and her lips part slightly. She’s clearly not expecting it, and Clarke didn’t really expect to be telling her right now either. But it had been slowly building ever since Roan brought her to Polis, and she was bound to reach this point eventually. Maybe she had already reached it long ago, but had never allowed herself to feel it.

Clarke’s not sure if hitting her with it so suddenly was the best idea, because Lexa stays completely silent, as if she’s in shock. “Lexa?” She asks cautiously. “Are you okay?”

Lexa nods. Clarke can tell she’s trying to regain control of herself, but her lower lip is trembling, and Clarke can tell she’s about to break any second. It’s completely silent apart from the sounds of the nightlife around them, and the water slowly hitting the lake’s edge.

Clarke reaches out and places her hand on Lexa’s cheek. “Don’t be afraid,” she whispers, the words that leave her mouth barely audible. “I promise you that I mean every word.”

“I know,” Lexa murmurs, before nodding slowly. She pauses for a long moment before dropping her voice even lower, “I never thought I would hear those words again.” Her voice cracks slightly towards the end, and it breaks Clarke’s heart, because she already knows. She knows that Lexa didn’t think she would find love again after Costia, and even when Clarke crashed into her life, they were forced apart on multiple occasions. Clarke understands that she has issues with opening up, but she also knows that Lexa’s worth holding on to.

Clarke moves closer to her, not breaking the contact between them. “I know you wanted to tell me back in Polis before I left. I just don’t want you to be afraid of it, because I mean it, and I want you to believe it with everything in you.”

“I do,” Lexa says immediately, finally allowing herself to smile. She’s still trembling as she finds Clarke’s free hand and gives it a squeeze. “I want it to last—”

“Shhh,” Clarke interrupts her, “don’t finish that sentence.” She leans in to kiss Lexa soundly, drowning the words that were about to pass her lips. She doesn’t want Lexa to think about the moments in the future where she’ll be unhappy. Clarke wants her to focus on right now, the fleeting moment of joy she’s feeling, because she deserves it more than anyone else.

Lexa takes it upon herself to deepen the kiss, and it isn’t until then that Clarke realises just how much of an effect this has had on her. The kiss is just about as passionate as the one they had shared when Clarke was saying goodbye to her in Polis. Clarke’s glad this one is fiery for an entirely different reason. Lexa’s hands find Clarke’s hips and she attempts to pull her closer. Clarke wastes no time in hoisting herself up and then lowering herself on Lexa’s lap, reattaching their lips with enthusiasm. She holds Lexa’s face between her hands as she kisses her, and Lexa whimpers quietly, immediately reminding Clarke that they _shouldn’t_ be doing this.

Clarke uses all her willpower to pull herself away. “I’m sorry,” she blurts out, her face growing hot. “I’m sorry, I forgot.” Only Lexa could make Clarke, the person in charge of her care, forget about her injury completely.

Lexa’s cheeks are even redder than hers. “That’s not the reason why I was making that sound, Clarke.”

“Oh,” Clarke replies, a small smile appearing on her face. Her eyes drift back down to Lexa’s pink lips. “I’m sorry. I just worry about you.”

Lexa places her hands on Clarke’s thighs, and she’s not yet used to Lexa putting her hands on her whenever she pleases, but she certainly isn’t complaining about it. She’s still as gentle as ever, though, and it only makes Clarke crave her touch more. “Once I’m well, you won’t have to worry anymore.” It’s an entirely suggestive comment, and Clarke doesn’t miss it in the tone of her voice.

“I’m looking forward to that,” Clarke answers, raising an eyebrow at her. She lifts herself off Lexa’s lap and gets to her feet. “Come on, the lanterns will burn out if we don’t use them,” she says, holding her hand out to Lexa.

Lexa winces slightly as she gets up on her feet, and it’s another not-so-friendly reminder for Clarke that they’re not yet in a good place. There’s hope, though, and that’s all Clarke can hang on to at the moment.

Clarke is still holding on to Lexa’s hand once Aden reappears. He moves with a sense of purpose, and that’s something Clarke hasn’t seen since they left Polis. It doesn’t surprise her at all that Lexa has managed to provide Aden with something to hold on to. Clarke had been surprised by how good Lexa was with kids as soon as she walked into her throne room one day and saw her teaching her Nightbloods. Clarke could’ve easily sat in the back of the room and watched her all day. It saddens her that if Lexa gets back to Polis, she won’t have any more Nightbloods left to teach.

Lexa’s unable to bend down herself to pick up the lanterns, so Clarke hands Aden his one at a time. He kneels down by the water and closes his eyes one he has each individual lantern in his hand. He murmurs the name of each fallen Nightblood, and Lexa stands up straight next to Clarke, her hands behind her back and her chin held high. She’s as stoic and regal as always, and she doesn’t need a chip for Clarke to know that she is the true Commander. She belongs there, and Ontari doesn’t, and it’s as simple as that. If only the process of getting her back there was that simple.

Once Aden is finished with each lantern, he places it in the water, letting it begin its descent down the river. Once all six of his lanterns are floating in the water, Clarke stands back up and looks towards Lexa. Her eyes display all of the emotion she’s feeling, but she doesn’t let a single tear fall.

She turns towards Clarke. “Are you ready?”

Clarke nods softly, and she helps Lexa to sit back down on the grass. “You go first,” she tells Lexa, gesturing to the three lit lanterns by her side.

Lexa picks up her first lantern and she stares at it for a long moment, as if it’s something more to her than just a lantern. Which it is, for the both of them. Letting the lantern drift down the river represents them letting go of the heaviness that has held them both down for so long. They’ve both experienced so much death and heartache, but neither of them deserve to have it weigh them down.

Clarke’s hoping it will bring the both of them one step closer to inner peace.

“For Anya, the one who shaped me.” Lexa’s voice is clear as she places each lantern carefully in the water. “For Gustus, the one who protected me.” She lets them both float for a moment before picking up the last one. “And for Costia, the one who taught me how to love, so that I could continue to love after you.”

Clarke turns her head to look at her when the final sentence leaves her lips. Lexa turns her head immediately after, and the two of them share a look. It’s not the right time to say it, no, but Clarke can feel it. She knows it. She feels her heart drop to her stomach just by the look in Lexa’s eyes. Warm and tender, like nothing else exists in the world beyond the two of them and the way they feel about each other.

“I think it’s your turn,” Lexa says softly, her eyes not leaving Clarke’s.

Clarke nods, attempting to pull herself out of the haze that Lexa has put her mind in. She really does become far too distracted by her at times, but she allows it, even if only briefly. She moves to pick up the first lantern off the ground. “Only you would use glorified candles for this,” she mutters, and she’s rewarded with a smile from Lexa that’s more prominent than usual. The joke is clearly not lost on her.

If there’s one thing Clarke could look at for the rest of her life, it’s Lexa’s smile.

She lets out a shaky breath as she feels the weight of the lantern in her hands. Lexa’s are already halfway down the river, and most of Aden’s can no longer be seen. It’s only her now, and she’s responsible for the souls of three people she loved dearly. Lexa places her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. She doesn’t need to say anything, just knowing that she’s there makes Clarke feel better.

“For Wells, who will always be my best friend, no matter where you are,” Clarke starts as she sets the lantern in the water. “For Finn, who loved me when I was sure that nobody could.” She stares long and hard at her last lantern before speaking again. “And for my father… who I will always be proud to call my dad.”

Clarke can feel Lexa’s eyes on her as she lowers her last lantern into the water. Her three are the only visible ones now, and Clarke can only watch them drift away from her. It’s a good reminder for her to let go of any of the guilt she has in regards to each of these deaths. Deep down she knows it’s not her fault, even if she carries the responsibility around with her.

Lexa stays completely silent until Clarke turns her head towards her. “How was that?” Lexa asks, her voice barely audible.

Clarke nods, because she’s sure that if she starts to speak, her voice will crack. She stands up, and once the two of them are at full height, she takes a slow step forward and wraps her arms around Lexa’s shoulders.

The brunette stiffens for a short moment before relaxing into the embrace. Her arms wrap lightly around Clarke’s torso, and it takes Clarke a minute to realise that this is the first time they’ve hugged properly. She’s been so cautious lately due to Lexa’s injury, but in this moment, all she really wants is to be held. “Thank you,” Clarke whispers, squeezing her shoulders tighter. Lexa’s entire body provides her with a warmth unlike anything else, and she’s more than addicted to the feeling. “I know that must’ve been difficult for you.”

Lexa pulls back to look at Clarke. “Difficult, but necessary, I think. For the both of us.”

Clarke nods in agreement. Her heart feels lighter than it has in a long time. She raises an eyebrow at Lexa before she speaks again. “Now we have to get you back into bed, because I will not be responsible for you collapsing on the ground.”

The comment makes Lexa laugh unexpectedly, and Clarke’s completely shocked by the sound. It’s more of a light chuckle than anything else, but it’s still music to Clarke’s ears. She can’t even recall the last time she heard Lexa laugh.

The stunned look on her face makes a smile form on Lexa’s. “I know what you’re thinking,” she says, her voice low. The smile is still on her face as she continues, “I don’t remember either.”

\------

Clarke places a comforting hand on Aden’s shoulder as they walk back towards the house. It had been an emotional rollercoaster for her, so she can’t even imagine what it’s like for Aden. He lost six of his closest friends that he’s known since he was a small child, all at once. If would be even more difficult noting the fact that they had all been marked for death the moment they were discovered to be Nightbloods. Clarke can’t imagine living that life.

The trio wanders back over to the house in silence. Before Clarke can reach the door, she feels a hand take hold of hers. Aden has already disappeared inside the house at this point, so it’s just her and Lexa out in the darkness.

“Wait,” Lexa says, as Clarke turns to face her. Lexa takes a tentative step forward, placing her hand carefully on Clarke’s waist.

Clarke’s eyes never leave hers, and she’s incredibly curious as to what she’s up to. Lexa brings her face closer to Clarke’s, resting her forehead against the blonde’s. Their noses touch for a brief moment before Lexa speaks.

“I love you,” she murmurs softly. Clarke can see the familiar vulnerability in Lexa’s eyes that she’s come to know so well, but in this moment, she’s completely entranced by it. “I did stop myself from saying it in Polis… but I love you.”

Clarke’s smile is immediate. She knew she would hear it from Lexa eventually, but even that doesn’t prepare her for her heart filling with a warmth that she’s never experienced before. She suddenly feels like the two of them can do anything together, and she’s sure she’s not too far from the truth. “You’re not allowed to leave again,” Clarke tells her, making sure to keep eye contact as she says it. “You’re not allowed to, you hear me?”

Lexa shakes her head slightly. “I am yours until you no longer want me, Clarke,” she says quietly, holding her gaze. “I have been since long before Mount Weather. In the life that follows this one, I will continue to be yours, I have no doubt.”

Clarke lifts her arms slowly, wrapping them around Lexa’s neck in an attempt to be closer to her. “That’s quite the promise.”

“If it is one you accept, then it is one I will keep,” Lexa replies simply.

Clarke lowers her voice. “You’ll be stuck with me for a long time.”

“I count on it.”

Clarke smiles again. She’s sure that she hasn’t smiled this much since landing on Earth, but she knows that there’s no one else who has the ability to make her feel this way. She never thought she would have the _opportunity_ to feel this way, but she’s never been more grateful that Lexa was the Commander on the time that she fell from the sky.

\------

Unfortunately, their period of bliss doesn’t last all that long.

Luna returns to the house a few days later. They’re not expecting it in the slightest, but Clarke jumps up as soon as she sees Luna’s familiar figure walking over the bridge towards them. It can only be bad news, and Clarke wants to know sooner rather than later.

Again, Luna waits until she’s inside the house and everyone is together to deliver the news.

“I only came to tell you that Ontari’s army is currently marching on Arkadia. They should be there within the next two days.”

They’re all expecting this particular news, but it somehow manages to make the entire room silent.

“Then the time is now,” Lexa announces suddenly, and all heads turn towards her. “We have to go back to Polis.”

Clarke shakes her head. “No. You’re not ready.”

“Clarke’s right,” Luna offers. “Moving now will only do more harm than good.”

The look Lexa gives Luna could be lethal. Fortunately, Luna isn’t fazed by it in the slightest. They really have known each other for a long time if Lexa’s icy glare doesn’t shake her.

“You should start moving around more. Little by little each day,” Luna suggests. “But I agree. No long walks, no horseback. Not for at least another week.”

That would make about three weeks after her injury, which is somewhat fair, considering how dire the situation is. In a perfect world, Clarke would have liked a solid six weeks to ensure a full and safe recovery, but she’s come to accept that just isn’t possible.

“Another _week_?” Lexa hisses. “By then, it will all be over! One side will be completely massacred! Either Arkadia will fall or Pike will have wiped out the army and begun marching on Polis!”

“This is not up for discussion, Lexa,” Luna says firmly. “You are still too weak. How can you expect to travel to Polis when you can only walk for a short period of time?”

“Then put me in a cart again,” Lexa says, turning back towards Clarke. “You brought me here in a cart, right? Let’s use one again.”

Clarke knows she’s angry, so she tries to stay calm as she reasons with her, “Lexa that will only work for the short term… Once we get to Polis, you need to be able to fight. Ontari will want your head. The only way to win back your position is to fight for it.”

Lexa’s sigh is heavy with frustration. She knows Clarke is right, but her anger is making her illogical. She turns back towards Luna. “One week?”

Luna nods. “At the very least. You still won’t be at full strength.”

“Then I will spend that time preparing for a fight.”

Clarke opens her mouth to protest, but Lexa notices it before any words come out.

“You can’t stop me, Clarke.”

Clarke lets out a heavy breath. “I know.” She hates it. She hates the idea of Lexa exerting herself when she should be resting and recovering. In any other situation, Lexa would still be in bed and Clarke would make sure of it. Lexa has most definitely fought through pain before, so that isn’t the problem. Clarke is just worried that Lexa will overdo it and end up even worse than she was before. She worries about her just as much as she worries about her people, so there’s no winning in this situation. Clarke can’t stop Lexa from protecting her people. All she can hold on to is the fact that Lexa is intelligent and she knows her limits.

She won’t push herself too hard.

Or, Clarke hopes she won’t.

“And what of the Ice Nation warriors?” Ida asks. “Are they suspicious?”

Luna shakes her head. “There are no leads on the hunt for Lexa’s body. Titus has already told the ambassadors that he lost her. They are furious, naturally, but since Titus has the flame, they allowed Ontari to ascend. The Floudonkru ambassador is unaware of the situation here, so he will not be able to betray us.”

“So there’s nobody else who knows besides us?” Octavia asks.

“Besides Indra and Murphy, no.” Clarke shakes her head. The Nightbloods helped them, but they’re gone now. “And that one healer that was with you, Ida. Can we trust her?”

Ida nods. “Yes, she is a dear friend of mine. She keeps her head down, there will be no trouble from her.”

Clarke hopes she’s right, because it will only take one person opening their mouths for this to all unravel. They’ve been incredible fortunate so far, and Clarke is dreading the moment when their luck runs out.

Clarke sighs as she turns towards Octavia. “I know you don’t want to go back to Arkadia, but maybe you should go back to Indra.” It’s a thought that’s been playing on her mind for a few days now, and she believes it could help them in the long run.

“Indra serves Ontari now, Clarke, and there’s a kill order out on all of us. I’ll be killed or captured as soon as I set foot in the village.”

Lexa shakes her head. “Indra is Commander of Trikru in my absence. Indra serves the Commander of the Twelve Clans, yes, but she also serves me. Until Ontari has taken me out of power, that will not change. Indra knows I am alive, she can help us.”

A loophole. Clarke likes the idea a lot more than she should. “Start a rebellion,” she murmurs. “With Trikru on our side we can do everything possible to delay Ontari’s army. They have to go through Trikru territory to get to Arkadia, it’s perfect.”

“Her army will likely be made up entirely of Ice Nation warriors, who are deadly fighters,” Lexa adds. “It will be a risk, but if it delays this war until I am back in Polis, then it will be worth it.”

Clarke can see Octavia piecing it all together in her mind before she nods slowly. “Okay.” It’s not ideal that they split up, but even Clarke can’t deny that it’s their only option if they hope to delay the war. “No, you’re right. This could work.” She looks between Clarke and Lexa. “Will you be okay without me here?”

Clarke can’t help but smile as she nods. Who knew that after everything they had been through together, Octavia would still worry about their wellbeing. “We’ll be fine. Once Lexa can travel, we’ll come find you, and you can re-join us if you want.” Part of her thinks that Octavia will choose to stay with Indra, and that part of her wouldn’t mind at all. It’s where she belongs, and Clarke’s all for being at the place that makes you feel most at home.

Octavia nods. “Okay. I’ll go and gather my things.”

“Thanks, Octavia. I mean it.” Clarke tells her. And she really does. It will put her at ease to know that someone she can trust is close enough to the action, but not directly in harm’s way. Octavia is the perfect candidate, since she is more than capable of taking care of herself.

There isn’t much more that Luna has to say, so she leaves, promising to escort Octavia to the coast safely without being spotted. A little while later, Clarke follows Lexa back into the bedroom, and it’s just the two of them alone on Lexa’s bed. A part of Clarke is thankful that they have another week, it gives her time to spread things out, and hopefully come up with some sort of strategy. She’s not sure how they’re going to get the throne back when Lexa isn’t in peak physical condition, but she’s sure they’ll figure something out down the line.

There’s no way they’ve come this far just to lose to Ontari.

Unfortunately, there is one thing Clarke _does_ have to do right now, and she’s not exactly looking forward to it. She has to tell Lexa what she knows about the flame — what Murphy told her back in Polis — before the information eats away at her until there’s nothing left. It’s been worrying her more and more as Lexa begins to get better, as the thought of that chip going back into Lexa’s head, knowing what she now knows, is not exactly a pleasant one. 

Clarke’s sure that her anxiousness is written all over her face, because the look on Lexa’s face is one of curiosity. “We have to talk,” she says slowly, and she feels her throat go dry. “About the Commander’s spirit. You need to know what’s really going on.”

Clarke’s a little fuzzy on the details herself, after Murphy only hurriedly told her what was going on while Lexa was bleeding out in Polis, but she knows enough to be able to explain to Lexa that the spirit isn’t what she thinks it is. Lexa’s look of curiosity has morphed into one of worry, and Clarke really wishes she had better news for her.

“You’re probably not going to believe what I’m about to tell you.”

“You’re not a liar, Clarke.”

“No…” Clarke shakes her head. “But this is pretty hard for me to wrap my head around too.”

“Take your time,” Lexa assures her, and Clarke wonders if she’ll still be this calm after she tells her what she knows.

“Look… I watched Titus take the flame out of your neck… and Murphy was there too. He spent a lot of time with Jaha before he was brought to Polis. And Jaha has spent a lot of time doing God knows what.” Clarke pauses, searching Lexa’s eyes before continuing. “But Murphy learned that the flame… The first Commander… it’s not what you think it is at all,” she explains. She tries to break the news as gently as possible, but it’s harder than she originally thought. “The flame isn’t… Lexa, it’s a computer chip." Realising Lexa would have no idea what that means, she corrects herself. "Advanced technology. Murphy seems to think it was created on the Ark. He saw an escape pod in Polis that has Polaris written on the side of it, which is the name of the thirteenth station from the Ark. That pod launched from the thirteenth station, and the person carrying that chip was the first Sky Person back on Earth.”

At first, Lexa doesn’t really react at all. Her eyebrows furrow slightly, and it doesn’t really surprise Clarke that it’s taking a while to sink in. For someone like Lexa, who has no knowledge of technology, Clarke’s almost sure that she won’t be able to understand it. Clarke also knows that she’s throwing a lot of information at her all at once, but this is the only way she knows how to explain it, especially since she doesn’t have the full story.

“It sounds to me like the black blood is a mutation that was developed on the Ark,” Clarke continues. “And the chip, Murphy says it contains dangerous things that he's seen with his own eyes. It’s… God, I don’t even know what it is. But what you’ve been told about the Commander’s spirit — about the chip — it’s not correct. That flame is advanced technology, and we have no idea of its capabilities.”

Lexa is silent for a long moment. Clarke can see that the cogs are turning in her head, and she doesn’t dare interrupt her thought process. When she finally speaks, she does so with a shake of her head. “You’re telling me that the first Commander… was someone from your Ark? That’s absurd, Clarke. I think your friend Murphy has been making up stories.”

Clarke narrows her eyes. “So you _don’t_ trust that I’m telling the truth.”

“Of course I do,” Lexa says matter-of-factly. “But I don’t trust Murphy as a reliable source. You’re telling me something that would change my entire way of thinking. Everything I grew up believing would slip out from underneath me. That’s not something I am willing to believe right away. You’re asking me to trust in something I don’t understand.”

“Okay,” Clarke allows, nodding slowly. She gets it. She knows she would be doubtful too if she were in Lexa’s shoes. A part of her truly believes Murphy, and she’s desperate for Lexa to understand, but she gets it. “I understand where you’re coming from.” She sighs heavily. “I think I just want to know… is something like that even possible at all?”

“Unfortunately, I am not an expert on Skaikru technology, Clarke.”

Clarke frowns. “Right. Of course.”

“All I know about the flame,” Lexa offers, “is that past Commanders were able to speak to me. When I slept, when I meditated, I would visit a place, and the past Commanders would be there to speak to me. The latest Commanders were always the most prominent voices in my mind, but the others were there too. They would give me advice, warn me about things.”

"So you've never spoken to the first Commander?"

"No," Lexa shakes her head. "It's too hard to access her through the other Commanders that came after her."

Clarke narrows her eyes. “And what kind of place did you go to exactly?”

“It was… bright. Unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I always thought it was a place my mind unlocked under heavy meditation, but now…”

That particular description doesn’t mean anything to Clarke, but once Murphy returns with more information, maybe they can keep piecing it together. She doesn’t know what it is about the flame and what Murphy had told her, but it makes her very uneasy. She always wanted the Sky People and the Grounders to eventually be intertwined with each other, but not like this.

“I’m not sure why you told me this, Clarke,” Lexa adds.

Clarke sighs. “You need to know the truth before the flame goes back in your head. I don’t want that thing anywhere near you unless you understand what it really is.” She knows she has no right to interfere in any more Grounder traditions than she already has, but she doesn’t want Lexa believing in a lie either. She doesn’t like the idea of Lexa messing with unknown Sky People technology, especially when she doesn’t know how dangerous it could be.

“Well, I _don’t_ understand. At all.”

Clarke can’t help but crack a smile at her confusion. “I know, and I’m sorry. I’m hoping that if we see Murphy again, I'll be able to explain it to you properly.”

“Do you trust him?” Lexa asks, and for the first time, Clarke can see a hint of fear in her eyes. Fear that this might all be true. Fear that everything she had grown up believing wasn’t real at all. Fear that one of the only tangible things she has left will slip away from her.

“He has no reason to lie about this,” Clarke tells her. She gives her an apologetic look, because she really didn’t know how else to break the news to her. Clarke doesn’t know much about artificial intelligence and computer chips, but whatever was in the back of Lexa’s neck is certainly advanced technology of some sort. That much she knows for sure.

Lexa frowns again before looking down at her lap. “This is not something I wish to be true,” she shares. “This is what I believe in. It is what I was taught while growing up. For it to not be real… that is not a concept I’m willing to accept.”

“Hey,” Clarke starts, shuffling closer to her on the bed. She places a hand on Lexa’s arm and instinctively begins to rub up and down. “The number one thing you believe in is peace, right? That is certainly not a lie. Peace is real and it’s attainable. You don’t need a flame or a chip in your body to bring peace to your people. The flame isn’t what makes you a great Commander, Lexa, it’s _you_.”

Sure, if it were up to Clarke, she would get rid of the flame entirely. Just _looking_ at it made her feel sick, especially since it was a real, physical thing that was leeching off of Lexa’s body, and not a spirit like Lexa had led her to believe. As soon as she saw it, she knew something wasn’t right.

“You need to have the flame to be the Commander, Clarke. That’s why we have a flamekeeper.”

“But what if you don’t?” Clarke asks. “Having the flame doesn’t make you a better Commander. There’s no real reason for it.” She frowns for a moment. “Listen… I feel like I’ve messed with enough of your traditions to last a lifetime, but I don’t trust this thing. Even if it’s been inside you for years, and many other Commanders before you, I can’t help but feel uncomfortable about it.” The 'there's more' comment from Murphy had been haunting her ever since they left Polis. She doesn't have the full story, and she's sure she won't like it when she does.

Lexa nods, because Clarke knows she always takes her opinion into consideration, even if she doesn’t agree with it. It’s one of the things she loves most about Lexa — she’s fair. “I…” She starts, but she immediately swallows down what she wants to say. Clarke watches her curiously, wondering what on Earth could be so difficult for her. “I don’t… I don’t want to face this alone.”

Clarke’s face falls. “No. Lexa, no.” She shakes her head quickly, using her free hand to tilt Lexa’s chin upwards. “You’re not going to face this alone. You’re not going to face anything alone anymore. I’m right here. You know I am.” She runs her thumb along Lexa’s jawline. “I know you’re used to loneliness,” she murmurs. “But you don’t have to feel that way anymore. As long as I’m around, you’ve got me, okay?”

Lexa nods, and the hint of a thankful smile on her lips is all Clarke needs to lean over and kiss her.

“We’re a team,” Clarke reminds her when she pulls away. “It’s either both of us or neither of us, I promise.”

“I approve of this idea.”

Clarke grins, because despite everything that’s happening around them, she really can’t help it when she’s with Lexa. She’s tired of holding back her happy emotions when she’s beginning to realise that she deserves to feel them as much as everyone else.

She _wants_ to feel them, and for the first time in months, she’s not afraid of it.

“Now,” Clarke sighs, dreading her next statement. “What was this about training?”

Lexa’s eyes almost light up at the word. Clarke thinks it’s going to be a long week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get serious for the group in the next chapter, as you can probably imagine.
> 
> There’s at least one more chapter worth of material to cover before the group makes their move. We’ll see how we go! I could’ve fit more into this chapter but I’d rather split it. I feel like Floudonkru is kind of the ‘chill’ period of this fic so I like having it last for a little while lmao.
> 
> Also, the AI reveal will be complete when we see Murphy again! So if it seems strange, it's because we're seeing him again very soon. ;)


End file.
